Monday

 Today was strange.  I was actually in pretty good spirits today.  I had an okay time as far as work went, I tried to be understanding and patient with my assistant (towards the end of last week I was getting a bit short with her because she wasn’t picking up on stuff as quick as I had hoped).  One of my colleagues was complaining that she just didn’t feel like being at work today, couldn’t get motivated etc.  Normally I can sympathise, but today, I had nothing.  I couldn’t even pretend to give a shit, because for once, for the first time in WEEKS, I actually felt pretty good to be at work. 

Then it hit 5pm and I grew anxious when I remembered I had to come home to this shithole.  Will I hear my neighbours beating each other?  We heard one of their dogs get kicked into the wall adjoining our bedroom at 2am this morning.  Heard the gremlin creeping out of his apartment at 4am, lying awake and wondering what sort of shit he was getting up to. 

Remember how I had that revelation of sorts a few months back when I realised I was going to leave my job, and stopped glossing over the bad points and letting myself actually see the shit for what it was?  That is now happening.  I mean, we always knew this place was a shithole, but now I don’t pretend it’s okay and I don’t just ignore it anymore.  I use it for motivation to keep me working on our goals.

So I am off work tomorrow.  Doctor’s appointment at 11am, then some errands.  Nothing special, but it will be nice to get a few things done that I don’t normally get to do through the week.  

I was saying to M last night that I am feeling as though I don’t know where to start with what we have left in the apartment.  Most of the stuff that is here is stuff that we need on a day to day basis.  But I think I am just finding excuses – we can get by without things.  I don’t know.  I am working on tiny projects right now, packing small items away, sorting and tossing other things.  Telling myself that even these small jobs do add up and throwing out the smallest item means that it’s less to deal with at the last minute. 

I wonder how many more weeks of rent we have to pay?  Let me consult a calendar.  Maybe 5 weeks. Ah, that seems like too many weeks!  I have one week paid in advance, and we can probably move in about 4 weeks time.  Like, 30 more days.  That seems manageable.  Maybe I’ll start crossing days off on my wall calendar so I can get a bit of a visual going.

In the meantime, I am going to frantically start cleaning off and taking photographs of the stuff I have left to sell.  EVERYTHING MUST GO!