Headache.

 Monday I got a bit of a headache. Took some basic pain pills, ignored it. Monday evening I went for my walk, had a few bursts of jogging. My headache was still there when I got home, but I figured I hadn’t had much water, plus the electrician was hammering away until 8:30pm.

Woke up Tuesday morning and my hands were numb. I couldn’t read anything. Or, I thought I could, I just wasn’t absorbing it. When I was showering my teeth felt like they were caving into the middle of my mouth. Numb mouth.

Drove to work, took a detour hoping that some food might help. Stuttered embarrassingly through my drive through order, I just wanted to say, "AND A LARGE COKE, THANKS!"

Got to work and knew it wasn’t going to end well when it took me 30 minutes to empty the dishwasher. I started crying, and my head having stabbing pains. I called my boss, a sobbing mess, and told him I had to go home. He asked if I was okay to drive and I said yes, but I wasn’t okay to drive. He talked me into calling my brother to come and get me, so I did that.

My brother drove me home and I slurred and stumbled my words the whole way home. He took the longest fucking way, I swear.

As I walked towards the house I picked up a bucket from the rubbish pile. This is the only time I have ever been glad that my mother keeps a pile of random rubbish behind her house. This one had been mine, and was stacked in between two others. I lay on the bed for a minute or two, knowing I was going to puke. And boy, did I puke. I got up and took the bucket upstairs to the bathroom to tip it down the toilet, and wash it out. In the process I splattered puke on the bathtub, but I didn’t notice.

Got into pyjamas, puked again. Took the super-mega-strength pain pills and tried to sleep. Woke an hour later, worse. I couldn’t see clearly, couldn’t stay standing but couldn’t lie down with my head the way it was. I was starting to feel scared, because nothing was helping, I was getting worse. My phone credit had expired the night before, so I sent my mother the following email:

"psease as cass asaps hust"

• please call asap hurry

I knew it wasn’t perfect, because I could hardly see, and my hands weren’t doing what I asked them to. But I really thought I had "please" right. And I promptly threw up.

She called me and I was just crying and asking her to come home and get me. She left work right away and came home. I dragged myself into some clothes while she was waiting – turned out to be a pair of jeans that is 2 sizes too big for me now, a Rolling Stones t-shirt that belonged to M when he was 15 and a teal sweatshirt.

We drove to the hospital and I was trying to tell her about the "clean pills" I had taken and how they hadn’t worked. The triage nurse asked me what my symptoms were and I said, "I can’t stalk properly". Nothing would come out right, all I could manage were words that sort of sounded right. It’s fucking terrifying.

They fed me a cocktail of pills to stop the vomiting and ease the headache. When that didn’t work, they tried something else and I lay in a room off to the side with my head under a blanket. More pills, and a cup of something gross, probably aspirin. They gave me a script for some different migraine pills and I went home.

Tossed and turned all night. Whatever they gave me was relaxing me to the point of sleep, then tossing me awake again.

Today I am better, and I got up slowly and went to work. I should have stayed home, considering I had a lot of problems typing and speaking (even typing this has taken the better part of an hour, and I normally type 80+ words per hour). But what choice did I have? Potter around in an air conditioned office, or sit at home all day in a stuffy room with a builder tearing the place apart in the next room over.

I will be fine tomorrow, I am just upset about it all. Nothing helped. Nothing. This wasn’t just a headache, wasn’t just a migraine. It’s like my head was being jackhammered apart, and I was in this little bubble where nothing makes sense, I can’t express myself or get away from it.