Love and other shitty feelings.

It’s a pretty shitty feeling and, to be honest, I’d forgotten what it really felt like. There was a while there where I had been routinely dumped/pushed away/rejected/cheated on by the first week of January every year. I’m not exaggerating – every year. So last year, when January 7 hit I was loudly proclaiming records had been broken and this was a new start. When February rocked around to the same effect, I was ecstatic. March pulled in and the small detail I’d slighted began to niggle at me a little. By April, it was tapping me on the shoulder. May, June.. I couldn’t ignore it any longer.

You can’t get dumped when you’re not seeing anybody.

In an effort to protect myself from what had been four years of heart break and rejection and unmitigated shit-ness.. I’d successfully isolated myself from everybody. Not a soul could reach me. And now not one would. In my mind I’d twisted this into “no-one wants to”. Nobody wanted me.  It was a different kind of despair. Rather than the flood of anguish stemming from the hole in my stomach after losing the one I loved, now it was just a barren hole in my stomach with nothing to fill it. Nothing. No feeling.

So needless to say, it caught me by surprise when I realised I was in love with my best friend. I groaned. Much in the same manner that you would respond to someone telling you Clueless really was a good film. You fucking idiot. One stupid day, no different to any other stupid day, I had caught myself looking at him as he showed me round the streets of London by Skype phone and I had this stupid smile on my face. “What the fuck was that?!” I yelled at myself. I felt sick to my stupid stomach. Shit. I like him. Shit fuck mother fuck shit fuck. Then the groan, I was about to ruin everything.

And I did. I told him. I knew he’d gone to the UK to escape himself and he was NOT allowing himself to drag anyone down with him. Problem is, he’s awesome. And I can’t help it. And as I expected, he extracted himself away to save me from myself.. I knew this is what’d happen if I said anything. But I couldn’t not say something. I care. I care too much not to say anything and now I care too much just to forget I said something. It’s really painful to have these feelings and not be able to do anything with them. And now I can’t even talk to my best friend about them.

It’s a shitty feeling, this love business. But it’s shittier without your best friend.