You just DON’T know…

"You just know." This is one of those lines that seems absolutely absurd to me. Call me jaded. CAll me a cynic. I just don’t believe in it.. I am one of those lucky few right brainers who was also blessed with the maddening gift of analysis. On most days, this skill serves me well. In matters of the heart, however, it leaves me walking around and around in circles until I’m not quite sure where I am or where I’m going. And this is the catch 22…

For a long time, I WAS a "You just know." girl. The problem was, I just "knew" every guy I dated was the right one. I have been indoctrinated with marriage since I could breathe. Once I realized this, I quit just knowing and decided to take a more practical approach to relationships. I have list after list after list of things I love in a man and things I hate. These lists compare particular partners. They measure importance of characteristics. They critique breakups and set new standards for relationships. They are a page of pie graphs waiting to happen. But now I’m realizing, they don’t end.

How do you know when the pie graphs end???

At the moment, I have been dating a man I have known for ages. We dated once in college, broke up for maturity reasons, and got back together years later. I always considered him close. (Check the "must be a friend and not just a lover" box) I truly believe he loves me  MORE THAN and BETTER THAN  than any other person in the entire world could (Check the "must love me selflessly" box) And when it comes to ideals and belief systems, we are very compatible, though he sometimes calls me a pessimist which I find entirely false (Check the "must have similar religious beliefs", "must have similar life goals" boxes) Most of all, he is the most supportive person I have ever had the privilege of knowing (Check the "must be protective, not overbearing", "must be supportive of my whims", "must enjoy adventures with me", and "must always have my back") This said, my inner-analyst is in unrest. We are talking about marriage now and all I can think is…He annoys me. He doesn’t carry himself confidently enough. He’s too cautious. He’s too sensitive. He’s not worldly enough.

I seriously want to stop this data collecting and just be calm and happy. I honestly DO want to JUST KNOW but I find myself constantly conflicting with myself and wondering if this is a matter of anxiety and over-analysis, or a matter of just not the right person, when he’s the best one I know….