This Black Hole

Why is it that I can’t spend more than an hour by myself without freaking out?

I am an introvert by nature, in the direct meaning of the word…meaning I draw my energy from internal sources and tend to be drained by crowds. That said, I am also a very social person. I am an extremely passionate person and I enjoy sharing that. Typically, this is a good thing. But now that I am alone a good bit of the time, I find myself drowning. I’m starting to wonder if this road trip was actually counter-productive….Yes, it was a much needed chance to see friends and family whom I haven’t seen in ages but it also took a week of my time and allotted purpose to it.

I don’t know why I suddenly feel like every minute has to be leading to the next but it seems that when it’s not, I start caving in on myself. I can see the million things I need to do but all I do instead is sit and wait for it to be late enough to go to bed. It’s extremely frustrating but it’s almost like I am not mentally strong enough to pick myself up and keep going. I KNOW that I have been through worse than this. I KNOW that things could be so much worse. I KNOW that all of my decisions have been the right ones for me. And yet, still, my blood feels like lead. I can literally feel my heart sinking….and all I can think is, even grading papers was better when someone I cared about was in the other room.

The real problem is that it’s not really about loosing a man I loved but knew wasn’t right for me. It’s more about loosing the support I consistently had from him. I never had to go 2 seconds without emotional support. I never had to spend a single moment anxious about conversations with him. I never had to wonder who would be around to experience life with. I had a rock. And now I am drifting. My heart is broken and my biggest support is its cause. My conversations aren’t easy anymore…I’m constantly worried that I am draining, boring, or annoying others. I don’t have someone to wake up next to and share plans for the day with. That solid comfort in my life is gone. We don’t even talk anymore and I feel lost.

Am I seriously this dependent? I had absolutely no idea….and can it be overcome? How long does it take to get over that gut wrenching loss of constantly having someone you love by your side? This is getting exhausting.