Heartbroken, in the strangest way

It feels almost wrong to be writing here again. I opened this account thinking it was my original account, and have been newly disappointed to find my old words gone. Since OD crashed the first time, it took all of my most intimate memories of my recently deceased college-love with it. There were so many stories of moonlit nights, magical kisses, fairytales. It’s been 20 years, a marriage, and 2 children…and he can still make my heart flutter…and ache. It used to be enough to spontaneously dream about him or have a frivolous thought about where he was and what he was doing. After all, he is my past. But after hearing of his suicide a couple months ago, I can’t shake the grief I feel. As a mother, my heart breaks for his mother. As an artist, I am heartbroken at how he’s chosen to express himself. As his ex, I never truly let him go and even 2 decades later the finality is fucking with me. He was the only one who ever broke my heart. He was the only one who ever let me love to my fullest capacity, no barriers. It just doesn’t feel right that that force is no longer in the world. I am heartbroken in the strangest way.