Yes, Yes.
………….
I come, and I stare, and I rack my brain, and – really. Nothing is going on – new like, in my life. Well, nothing that I consider of enough gripping interest that YOU folx would want to know about.
And maybe that’s it. I love ya’ll dearly, I do, and treasure the wonderful ODbond that has formed.
But. This is MY diary.
And sometimes, I think that – dammit – I think that I censor myself based on what I THINK other people want/need from me. And yeah, this is about way more than just OD.
And I’m slowly coming to realize that – well, not slowly, but the realization bitch slapped me a few days ago, and I’m still slowly coming to terms with it – but I’m coming to realize that not only am I doing MYSELF a disservice, it’s an insult – really – to everyone I call friend.
At the same time – it’s HARD. Oh dear me, is it hard. And it really shouldn’t be, ya know? I shouldn’t be afraid of being me. I shouldn’t be ashamed of being me. As much as I talk about not requiring approval from others – deep down, I want it. I like feeling stroked and appreciated – and I cringe – on a souldeep level – when I am shunned/ignored/pushed aside. I’m a party girl at heart – but I’m a party girl who has never been one of the cool kids – always forming my own little party of three or so in the corner.
And, over the years I’ve convinced myself that I’m just so – different – that it’s kinda expected I would be the odd kid out. I’m from Jupiter, you see, and therefore I don’t have to TRY to fit in. And really – I don’t want to fit in.
I just don’t want to be afraid of not fitting in.
Also (and I’m only a marginal believer in the concept of horoscopes, but after a couple of nice solid nudges, a girl has to sit up and pay attention) my last few horoscopes/inspirational emails have all had the same thing of authenticity and of selfcenteredness and selfawareness.
I’ve got to break out of my shell. I HAVE to. I’ve finally – finally – grown to the point where the shell isn’t giving anymore. And it’s starting to make me feel stagnant, and guilty, and withdrawn that I can’t give what I know I CAN give – and oftentimes want to give – but I just can’t break through fully enough to pull it off.
I want to be the full sunhearted, moonbellied woman that I KNOW I am.
I’m just terrified that being me will be an impostion on people, and I’ll be left all alone.
*sigh*
Well. Looks like I did have something on my mind, afterall.
I’ve learned from experience, (and yes it was hard to do at first) that when I DO show the person I am it can cause a few ripples in the pool. BUT! In the end, when things have calmed again, I think I am more respected for being ME than for being the shadow of who I could be. Make sense? Be yourself. You’ll overcome that fear you have and see that your true friends always stand by you! HUGS!
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I can’t imagine you being an imposition on ANYONE. We loves ya- well I do- even if it is boring mudane stuff- have you read MY diary lately- it’s fully on BOREDOME.
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GOD. I GET this. I feel exactly the same way, exactly. ‘Cept I’m a BIT further along the path. C’mon, I’ll drag ya. 🙂
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Good to your name at the top o’ my screen.
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