Who, Me?

Funny sometimes, how things pile up, one on top of the other, trying to encourage me/plant a solid foot in my ass.

So, yesterday, as I’m driving to First Realm class, there are these huge, fluffy, gorgeous clouds in the sky, and it took me back to being a little girl, and wanting to learn how to paint. I had a book that had those same huge, fluffy clouds in it, and I tried – oh, how I tried for WEEKS to get the color shifts just right, and tried to mimic the glow of the sun and the sheerness of the clouds, and I ended up with a white/blue/yellowish-grey mess. I think right around then might have been the time that I convinced myself I had about as much artistic talent as a brick.

Over the years, I’ve tried other things – and largely, they ended up being just other bricks – other failures, other perfectly shining examples of just how unartly/uncreative/unskilled I was.

I’ve built up a wall – a rather nice sized one too, around my own creative energy. I had help – oh, I won’t claim that I did this all by myself! – and it’s been – safe. It’s been comfortable, telling myself that it’s okay not to try, because failure is the most likely result.

And of course I’m going to fail! I don’t really think I can succeed with that brick wall – or, at least not my current definition of success (which I have no clue of what it is!).

I get to class, and my teacher almost immeadiately starts asking me if I ever considered writing professionally – based solely on a (in my mind) slapped together paper that took me all of a day and a half to complete, that she RAVED over. It was – honestly, it was possibly the most emphatic ‘Holy Shit, Woman, you’re GOOD!’ I’ve ever gotten on something I’ve done – ever.

And – looking forward down & through the years, I know that once I start staying at home, and once I get into the groove of being at home, I’m going to want to start writing. At that point, I will have no reason to NOT write. At that point, the ‘roadblocks’ that I’ve had to writing will be gone. Yeah, I’ll be dealing with a whole NEW set of roadblocks, but in my mind – those will be energizing ones, not draining ones. And that time is getting closer and closer – whether I’m knocked up right now or not, I soon will be, and – *deep breath*

My teacher also happens to be part owner of a publishing business.

So. Yeah.

I found that whole series of events – interesting, to say the least. What will I do with it?

I don’t know.

But I think the mortar is starting to powder.