spasms

I mentioned to a friend this morning that lately, I seem to skip the righteous indignation bit of things, and go directly to pissed off and/or depressed about things that would usually get me in a high dander.

I don’t know if it’s the simple fact that no-one can be pissed off all the time – well, no, someone could be pissed off all the time, but that someone wouldn’t be me, or if it’s just the overwhelming amount of things that go on that piss me off – I can’t handle the overload, anymore.

So, I withdraw. I read, and don’t note. I bite my tongue. I wear my iPod at work, and consiously ignore the conversations. I don’t read the paper, and I don’t watch the news, and I keep my circle of friends very, very, very, small, because I don’t WANT to deal with the random insanity of – everything.

It’s rather – I don’t know. I’ve always acknowledged the fact that I am a hermit, but I’m starting to take it further than just social interactions…..I’m letting go of things that really don’t matter – esp. opinions and beliefs.

As I’ve been telling people lately – three or four people, including DH – I really don’t CARE what you do – I’m not invested in it, as I would have been a few weeks/months ago, because you know what? My righteous indignation isn’t going to change your mind – and you’ll still live your life, as you want, with or without my input. So why bother?

It’s – it’s not cynical, really. It’s realistic. I’m still changing my mindset around control, and management, and battles worth fighting. I’m learning that I don’t have to work to get people to understand me, if THEY don’t want to. I’m backing away from brickwalls, and learning the wisdom of a nod.

It’s much less frustrating. It’s much – easier, on me, emotionally. I’m still learning (still! and here I thought I had it down!) to not take things personally.

But then, I wonder if I’m taking the lazy path out. Is a desire to not have to fight – hell, the craving to not WANT to fight, not NEED to fight, lazy? Is my abandoning of the path of the crusader and changemaker a sign of an inner weakness, or one of inner strength?

Or, maybe, it’s just a shift in attitude. I’m willing to teach, but not to fight. I’m willing to share, but not to convince. I’m willing to explore, but not to trailblaze.

I don’t know. It might be fear. It might be a warning that I need to conserve that engry – that – vim & vigor for a bigger fight. It might be pure laziness.

I finally got the Dr. Phil book (Self Matters) for 2nd Realm yesterday, and I want to work a chapter or so a night, until I’m caught up (I think we are up to Chapter 5, now).

I really don’t like Dr. Phil – he’s smarmy, thinks he has the answer for everyone, and has a really irritating voice, but, I’ve heard very good things about the self-exploration this book lends to, and so, I’m willing to try. Heck, the biography trick has been an interesting trip so far – and useful.

It’s interesting – I feel – clearer, somehow. I feel like – heh, I feel more authentic, and it’s been stirring before I even opened the pages of the book – I just didn’t have a very good name for it.

Hrm. I think I’m done.