Failure

I struggle with failing. With messing up, with not being ‘right’, or ‘enough’, or ‘perfect’. I almost hate adding perfect there, because – I know I’m not perfect, and I don’t really expect myself to be – but I’m horrified at the thought of letting others down…. Disappointment is my emotional Kryptonite.

*sigh*  

 And – I try so hard, almost all of the time, I think, to try to avoid disappointing people. Sometimes, I think I go a little above and beyond – but, still, I manage to fail, somehow. It seems like no matter what I do – I always leave something out. And I shouldn’t HAVE to live life going through checklists of completeness, to be sure that I’ve properly turned the beds every week, should I? Or, should I just accept the fact that I’m – stunted – and program my cellphone to give me alarms when I need to water the plants?

I think that it would be really healthy for me to try to figure out how to handle the feeling of disappointing others without feeling like curling up into a small worthless ball and commiting hari-kiri. How do I learn to be more vulnerable, and yet less sensitive all at the same time? Or, is this miserable feeling in my heart the fair trade for being emotionally fluid? Is that how it works? 

I don’t know. And the funny part is, I don’t really care. Well, I do care. I just don’t really think it matters how I feel. All that really matters is that I don’t mess up.

Maybe the phone thing is a good idea. I don’t know. Maybe I do just suck, emotionally. I don’t know. *sigh*

*deep breath*

Onwards and outwards then, to better and less fucked up things, eh?

K.