Wednesday Funnies…

I subscribe to the Dilbert  comic strip and newsletter. I love his sense of humour and he is so right on with how the business world works.  So I wanted to share with you some of the quotes & sayings some people have sent to the newsletter.

INDUHVIDUAL QUOTES
Apparently the most confusing concepts for Induhviduals are anything involving body parts, beverages, food, or animals.
“There’s more than one way to cut the cheese.”
“I know these streets like the back of my head.”
“When push comes to shove, that’s when the dollar meets the road.”
“Tomorrow at this time…it will be Wednesday.”
“I would like a pie-in-the-eye estimate.”
“The smell of indifference was deafening.”
“Oh, that will be a cake in the woods.”
“She’ll chew you up and down, and spit you out like a bad habit.”
“He’s living off the fat of my sweat!”
“I heard that out of the corner of my eye.”
“Even a blind beaver falls off a log once in awhile.”
“I threw down the carrot and he picked it up and ran with it.”
“It’s like a monkey on the back of the elephant in the room.”
“I don’t mean to throw a wrench, I mean a monkey, into the tools.”
“I got under your goat.”
“You heat it until it doubles to about three times its size.”
“When it comes to nut-cutting time, the cream will rise to the top.”
“Is it hot in me or what?”
“Don’t you hate it when you lock your keys out of your car?”
“It’s like watching paint grow.”
“The winds of change aren’t what they used to be.”
“The system is humming like a clam.”
“You need to take the bull by the balls and run with him.”
“Two cats out of the bag are worth more in the nest.”
“Anything worth doing is a lot more difficult than it’s worth.”
“Not to toot my own horse, but……”
“We do things by the pants of our ass!”

TRUE TALES OF INDUHVIDUALS
Here are some more true tales of Induhviduals, as reported by vigilant operatives in the field.
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My teacher remarked that he’d lived in Africa for several years, prompting a student to ask, “Dude, do you speak African-American?”
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My father, brother, and I had just finished fixing appetizers, and were putting toothpicks into the little morsels, when mom asked us not to use so many toothpicks because, “They don’t grow on trees you know.”
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My dad asked my mom a very simple question the other day: “Which is faster, light or sound?” Mom replied, “Light.” My dad thought this was very good, until my mom explained why she chose light. “Because it’s lighter,” she said.
I heard this story and decided to ask my wife the same question. Her answer was that sound was faster. I asked her why she thought that sound was faster than light. Her response was “Because you hear something first and then you look around and see it.”
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One of the secretaries at our office made a copy of a document and put the original through the shredder. When I questioned this, she explained that the client did not need the document, and the file only needed a copy, so there was no need to keep the original document. She couldn’t understand my amusement.
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While trying to exit a gas station onto a busy highway, I was evaluating the oncoming traffic and I asked my wife how it looked on her side. She replied, “Its all clear,” so I started to pull out. She continued, “Not a cloud in the sky!”
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My nephew, a freshman in college, attended a meeting in his dorm in which everyone introduced themselves and shared some personal information to get acquainted. My nephew introduced himself and mentioned that he has two moms. An Induhvidual looked at him and said, in all seriousness, “So… does this mean that one of them is a lesbian?”
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We don’t have cable, so I get tasked with adjusting the antenna when reception isn’t good. The other day, my wife called me from another room and asked me to fix the reception on a program that she had recorded earlier in the day.
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In history class, we were having a discussing about current events, specifically rebuilding Afghanistan. I mentioned that improving its economy would be hard because it has no natural resources and little industry. One of my classmates asked, “Well, why don’t they, like, build a giant water park or something there to get tourism?” Stunned silence followed. Surprisingly, this took place in an AP level class.
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A few months back, the people in my office were talking about Mel Gibson’s new movie, The Passion of the Christ. One of my coworkers, a young 20 year old secretary, mentioned that she wasn’t sure if she was going to go see it because it would be too sad. That’s when I jokingly told her that “It’s okay; he comes back in the end. I read the Book.” At which point she says, “There’s a book?”
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Have a great Thursday!

Hugs!