Yule

So I’m home for the holidays, an apt phrase since I seem to be celebrating two of them this year.  There is a certain fiddeliness to Hannukah and other such expressions of Judaism for me now…not that they are unnatural, they are extremely natural, but they are now something outside me in a way that they were not before.  Fortunately that space has not been left empty, it is very much filled, and I quite like it, I almost love it.  And it is so right.  And this is good.  I still have not told my father, and I try to avoid the topic with my mother because I do not like fighting with her.  And I spend time with extended family, and old family friends, who expect me to be the Jewish one the way I always have been, people who might or might not accept changes such as the ones I have made.  So I don’t tell them.  And it’s awkward.  It’s a bit sad.

I went to a Druidic Yule ritual yesterday.  It was quite cool.  I’ve never been to a Druidic rite before, and I liked it a lot.  I don’t know if Druidism will turn out to be my path — I think, ultimately, it is unlikely, because Druids believe in a whole ton of separate entities while Wiccans believe in one Deity separated into a Duality separated into several pantheons, but ultimately They’re all one being.  This makes more sense to me.  Possibly because I was raised as a monotheist, but possibly because it just…makes more sense.  The ritual was lovely, though, and I definitely liked the use of Gaelic, what could be more right than that?  The people were wonderful and welcoming, of course; I think this is endemic to Pagans everywhere, at least it seems this way so far.  I’m glad I went.  I look forward to telling SPIRAL about it when I get back to Syracuse.

At Syracuse there is a boy called Alex H—–.  He is too tall for me, and he is bisexual leaning towards gay.  But he is someone I could love.  Possibly the only person I know with whom I could honestly find myself in love, given time and the right set of circumstances.  There seem to be three sides to me, my intellectual side, my actor side, my spiritual side.  Alex and Sam, I think, are the only people I have ever met with whom I share all three.  Adam J, too, I suppose, but it’s different with him.  Alex is an amazing, warm soul.  He is poetic and intelligent and he says that when he walks alone through his town at night he can feel the past rise off the ground in layers, like a mist, and he finds himself someplace mysterious and unfamiliar.  He is interested in my spiritual development in a way that I don’t think quite anyone else is…he understands, and he wants to hear about my journey because it is relevant to his journey.  We share this.  It’s quite wonderful.  We tend to sit opposite each other on my sofa and drink tea and talk about how we’re lonely and want a relationship but it has to be something real, we’re sick of things that aren’t quite real, and we sit there and think, this is real, and then we go no further.  I have no idea what will come of this.

There is much to say about Alex, much indeed.  But better, perhaps, if I do not.  For the moment.

And of course there is Max.  Max has made a point of staying in touch with me over this break, which is very nice.  I think very highly of Max.  But he is so young.  And…and it would not be real the way it would be with Alex.  If you asked me today what I think will or may happen, I would tell you that Alex will not, we will always stop before daring to show interest…I don’t even know if Alex is interested at all, or if I am just a special friend.  But Max could happen.  It would be easy.  All I would have to do is keep spending time with him and not stop us.  That’s all it would take.  I don’t know how I feel about this.  I don’t want another Eric on my hands just because I am lonely and he is excellent.

I had a very nice evening a few nights back with Sam (not Canadian Sam, Los Angeles Sam) and Cody, which was just wrapping up when Cody had a phone call from Akio inviting us to join him and his friends, which we did.  And it was good.  A very good evening.  There are good things about being home.

Elisabeth will return in a few days’ time.  That will be good.  I have a really nice peppermint-vanilla candle, which is good too.  I miss Syracuse a bit, but it isn’t too bad…I’m not going to be here for all that long.

–Stephanie