Vanishing

I can’t believe how close we are to graduation.  It’s a little overwhelming.  I don’t think I’ve ever in my life had such mixed feelings about something…but hey, I suppose it’s the biggest change of my life so far, aside from moving to this country when I was little.  So I guess I’m allowed mixed feelings.  And I guess I’m allowed to be scared.

My second cabaret also went very well, there were still some things that went wrong, but they were different things.  And we had a huge audience, we couldn’t seat everyone, so that’s good.  I’m pleased with it overall.  And I’m very pleased that it’s over.  Winter’s Tale also wound up beautifully.  I miss it occasionally.  But only occasionally.  More often I miss the people.

My classes are mostly winding down, except for Audition, which is picking up speed in a final push to the finish.  But that’s OK, I have so much free time now that I really don’t mind doing extra work in one class.  I’m spending as much time with people as I can.  The time is just slipping away before I can catch it.  Everyone is going different places — mostly to New York, I suppose, with a mere two others going to LA and my dear Parker heading to Moscow of all places.  I only recently realized that to everyone else, I go with Parker in the catagory of "people going off to weird places by themselves" — I’m going back to London.

Yes, this is–temporarily–sort of–official.  In as much as anything is official.  My plan at the moment is to go back to LA for the summer, do the regional auditions that happen there, and then, assuming I don’t get cast, head out to London.  When I told Rodney that this was my plan, he told me that the kids in London next semester will be doing a Lubinhouse-type showcase out there, and he invited me to be in it.  Which is just the opening I needed to make this official.  Semi-official.  What I am planning on doing.  Nothing–nothing at all–is set in stone.  For the rest of the forseeable future.

Interesting looking at who I am finding I will miss.  Who I am dreading bidding farewell.  The one I am most surprised about is Aaron.  I don’t know how much I’ve written about him lately — I don’t suppose I’ve written much about anyone lately, actually.  But he’s very important in my life.  In a quiet way.  We’ve been spending time together randomly the last few weeks — Phoebe’s after Audition, dinner with Marina, talking on the street — and I realize that he is someone I will miss badly.  It shouldn’t be a surprise, we’ve been friends since freshman year, but there are an awful lot of people I won’t miss at all and it’s just a surprise somehow that I really will miss him.  He makes me laugh and he makes me feel very safe.  There are not too many people here who make me feel safe.

And Parker.  I will miss Parker.  Of course I will miss Parker.  How could I not?  After spending so much time with him this semester, this whole year really, after Be Me and being tap buddies and my cabaret.  I’m not even sure what it is about him that makes him so very special.  But he lights up rooms.

Kaitlin.  Who I barely knew before this semester, even after London with her.  We spent every day together for ten weeks, though, doing Winter’s Tale, and she’s become an important part of my life.  I had lunch with her just today.  She’s so different from me, yet we get along so well.  And I’ll miss her.

Anna and I have been talking quite often, too, which is excellent.  Sometimes a whole week will go by and we’ll barely see each other, but sometimes there will be a week where almost every day we’ll sit together for an hour and talk.  About the department or the future or a play or the people we know or a book or London or…she’s great.  And I love her.  And I don’t want to stop living with her or not see her anymore or say goodbye.  That’s just not what I want to do.

And Alex, my dear, dearest Alex.  Who is the only one I know I will see, because he is going to London next semester.  So it’s different with him.  But not so different that I don’t think about how badly I’ll miss him.  Sometimes I think we’re like siblings, and sometimes I think I’m in love with him, and sometimes I think he’s like Sam and we’ve known each other before and that’s why it’s so hard to peg our relationship, because it’s more than one thing.  We had a huge conversation last week about love and sex and the relationship between the two, and things became at least somewhat clearer–he tells people he’s bisexual because it makes it easier, but it’s more complicated than that.  His spontaneous sexual attractions are to men, but he only ever falls in love with women.  So he can have casual sex with men (but doesn’t anymore, because it has ceased to be satisfying for him), but he can only have relationships with women.  But in those relationships, sex can’t be an everyday thing, because it’s just too raw and vulnerable.  So it’s hard for him to find anyone.  It surprised me to hear him say that he’s not in love with Mark, his ex who he still talks about and will get back together with when he’s back in London, he doesn’t love him and he never has.  They’re good friends who sleep together.  But for Alex, meaningful love happens with women.  I still don’t know what our relationship is.  But whatever it is, it’s special and beautiful and has filled a hole in my life.  I can’t imagine not having him near me.  It’s going to be awful.  I miss Sam.

Brendan has imposed a distance between himself and the world.  I don’t know exactly why…it has to do with fear and loss and grief…but it’s terribly sad.  I miss him.  I try to let him know this, but I don’t know if I get through really.  I’m not worried about losing him at the end of the year, because in the realest way I’ve already lost him.  I’m still hoping to win him back, but I think I’ll have to wait until whatever he’s afraid of happens or doesn’t happen and the fear goes away.

And my Danny, Danny who I’ve spent so much time apart from…he’s just been too busy this semester to have time for me, or for anybody.  And I understand that.  I hate the idea of not being able to see him, but we’ve done it before, and we’ll be fine.  Danny and I have switched gears in our relationship a little bit, into a place where we know exactly where we stand with each other, we know exactly what our history is, and we know that we’re in each other’s futures.  So there’s no fear between us and no worry, no sense of loss and no confusion.  We know each other and we know where we stand, we know it’s special and wonderful and there’s no need to push anything.  It’s really nice.  And of course I’ll miss him.  But I’m used to that, so it’s not so bad.  Except for sometimes when it’s terrible.

I think those are the people I’ll miss most.  There are others of course, Lex, Marina, Ryan, Amy, Rachel (my hill friend!), Cassie, Kara, Eric, Lisa, others.  I’m not short on friends.  But these are the ones I fear losing, t

he ones I’m already grieving for a bit.  I’m jealous of the people who will move together to NYC right away and live together in tiny, crowded apartments and all be together.  I’m excited for the choices I’ve made, of course, and I’m bound to wind up in the City sooner or later.  For now, though, going to London is the right choice, I think.  How do I know.  All I know is that I miss it, I miss it badly, and Alex will be there, and Rodney will be there, and I can be seen by agents there.  I have connections at the Globe and one at RADA, and I hear that young American actors are in demand.  It will be good.  It will be right.  It will be a start.

–Stephanie