SPIRAL

I hate being just at the beginning of something.  I want to be far enough along to know what I am doing.  I don’t like feeling lost, or confused, or out of my depth.

Fortunately for me, the people I am meeting on this new journey of mine are, without exception, amazing.  I went to a meeting of SPIRAL, the on-campus Pagan group, last night….I almost didn’t go, I almost went to Brendan’s show instead, I almost waited until Adam would be able to come, I almost just waited, period.  But I decided at the last minute to risk it, and that my comfort zone ought to be not in Adam but in myself…and I’m really glad I went.  Because it was amazing.  There was no full moon ritual this month, to my disappointment, but I found that the moon chances to shine right through my window at the moment, and I did my own (beginner’s, ignorant, imperfect) thing, and it was good.  It felt good.  And last night felt good.  They are good people, and nonthreatening, and on Mondays they meet and practice their craft (or perhaps Craft) as a group.  Last night we did a guided meditation, and when we finished, Mary had written a long list of things on the board, and she asked who had seen something on the list.  Every hand went up.  Yes, she said, these things were coming off you all so strongly that I picked up on them, and I wasn’t even in the meditation.  It was, overall, quite wonderful.  I’m not going to write more about it here…I’m going to buy a separate notebook for that, I think, that will be just mine…but it was good.

A friend of mine named Sarah was also there…this took me completely by surprise.  I took her by surprise too, but that’s different, I’m new.  She’s been doing this since freshman year, and has kept it so quiet that only the other Pagans knew.  A good example, I think.

In other news, Movement today was excellent.  I really love that class.  I don’t know if I can explain this adequately, but that is so often the problem in this line of work, isn’t it?  We were building tablues, and we did one on the theme of love, and I came and put my hand on someone’s head, and I felt someone embrace me from behind, moved my arm to wrap the arm that was wrapping me…and Kathleen had us switch to war, and the person behind me took both my hands and stretched my arms all the way to the sides, them right behind me, their face next to mine, and I shifted to meet their eyes and it was Rick.  I was surprised…I don’t know who I thought it was, but I didn’t think it was Rick.  It was…nice.

I have not continued to feel so intensely about Adam as I did that one night, thankfully.  I think, ultimately, it would be  a bad idea, for many reasons.  That has never stopped me before and I doubt that it’s what’s stopping me now…but whatever it is, my feelings for him have moved out of blazing and back to the greyness they were wandering in before.  Which is nice, because I can enjoy so much finding that the person holding me is Rick, when I can see Adam right across the room.

–Stephanie