I’m Not That Girl

I began this entry a week ago, after last Friday night.  The entry that I began then, but ran out of time to finish, was to be called "Surreal, bizarre, wonderful night," and what I wrote of it went like this:

Last night was one of the strangest and most exceptional nights I can remember.  It all started out simply enough.  Rehearsal was cancelled in favor of a cast dinner at the R——-‘s apartment.  I arrived at around 5:40, Robbie’s apartment…I’d never been there before.  It’s really nice.  When you walk in, there’s a short sofa along the wall to your left, meeting a long sofa at a right angle; two large arm chairs on the other side of the room, a coffee-table, an entertainment unit.  A large kitchen, two bedrooms, identical and identically organized but flipped from each other…all very clean.  He’d made us all dinner.  He’d made us chicken parmesan, which of course I can’t eat, it’s not kosher, but I didn’t want him to feel bad so I just ate a bunch of the rolls he’d provided and tried to be inconspicuous.  He was so embarrassed, it was really cute, the first thing he said when we came in was "I’m really sorry about dinner, the oven cooked it really fast!"  Everyone told him it was really good, although he insisted it was awful — apparently his oven at home, um, cooks slower.  (I can see now that this is going to be a really long entry.  I’m just recording the things I thought wonderful.  If you don’t think them wonderful, sorry.  You’re missing out.) 

Anyway, the first particularly amazing thing: I was sitting on the floor to try to keep my plate hidden from him, so he wouldn’t see I hadn’t taken any chicken, and I happened to glance at the bottom shelf on the coffee-table.  It had some games on it, and for a moment it was so normal it didn’t even register–I think I did a literal double-take when I realized that the game I was looking at was Wise and Otherwise.  Robbie plays Wise and Otherwise!!!  Oh I was so excited.  No one has heard of this game, outside of my own best friends from home!  It’s a HRSFA thing.  I was like, OK, that’s it, I’m done.  If there was any chance I might escape this, it just crumbled to dust and blew away.

The next amazing thing: I found, sitting with this group, pretending to eat and marveling at where I was and who I was with, that I was comfortable there.  I was talking, joking, participating.  Thoroughly participating!  I was involved!  I wasn’t scared to death, I was talking!  Hurray!  Anyway, around 7:30 a bunch of us went over to see the Black Box show that opened last night, Dutchman, which is cool because it’s a one-act so it was over by 8:50.  Then we all went to Phoebe’s for dessert.  I sat next to Sharone, and Robbie was on her other side.  And I was still involved, still talking, still joking.  And Robbie and I were having moments.  Moments when someone would say something and he and I would be the only ones who’d laugh.  And then we’d look at each other and laugh the harder because we’d both got it and no one else had.  Lovely moments.

I don’t think I mentioned that I decided to talk to Sharone about Robbie.  Before rehearsal on Thursday, I told her that I needed her advice with guy stuff, and she got really excited and promised to help in any way she could.  So our plan was, we were all going to go to a small party at 

–And that’s as far as I got, I don’t remember why.  I haven’t finished it yet because the entry I had to write just kept getting longer and longer.  Things kept happening.  Well, it’s gotten to the point where I can’t write about things I want to because there’s such a backlog of stuff I haven’t covered.  So, time to fix it.

The rest of that night was pretty incredible.  We didn’t go to the party, in the end, Sharone, Brody, the R——-‘s and I went to the house of the head of our department to take care of his dogs (the twins were house-sitting for him that weekend), and Robbie was so sweet with these dogs, it was beautiful, if I hadn’t already been caught up in him I would have fallen for him that night.

After that we wound up going back to their place in theory to watch a movie.  Sharone and I needed to have this talk, though.  So we went into Paul’s room and shut the door and talked for over half an hour about my crush on Robbie…and his crush on Chrissy.  That’s right.  Sharone was so excited at first to hear that I had feelings for him, and then her face fell and she said, "But I have to tell you, Stephanie, he likes someone else.  Another girl.  But it’s never going to happen with her, because–well, I can’t tell you why, but it won’t."  And I said, "Because she has a boyfriend," and she said, "How did you know that?", and I said, "Because it’s Chrissy," and she said, "How did you know that?", and I said, "Because I pay attention."  And she confirmed it.  Sharone spent the rest of our talk telling me how great he and I would be for each other, and how she was watching us at Phoebe’s and thinking how perfect a couple we’d make…  Robbie, Robbie would be good for me, after all that, he would be.  And he’d never hesitate to date me because I’m in his show.  But he has a crush on one of my closest friends, even though she’s in a very happy relationship and will never return his feelings.

After talking for so long with Sharone, I went into Robbie’s room and talked with him for a while.  It was a good conversation.  We moved onto his sofas after a while, because we were still planning on watching a movie.  One thing he said that was really interesting to me, we got onto the subject of religion, and he said that he doesn’t like to talk about religion because he has problems with anxiety and talking about religion makes him anxious.  Because he doesn’t understand why people can’t just agree to disagree and accept that they believe different things.  And I told him that I like to talk about religion because I too have problems with anxiety and it’s a subject where I know I can stay calm and centred, because I’m on very solid ground.  It was just a nice exchange of confidences.

Anyway, one thing lead to another and everyone fell asleep.  Except me.  I lay on his sofa, two feet from him while he slept, until 5:00 in the morning, when Paul came back and gave me a ride home.  That’s not quite true, actually, at around 4:30 I gave up on the sofa and moved to the floor.  But it was all so surreal, so odd.  So wonderful.  I loved it.  I was s

o happy.

That happiness, however, was short-lived.

Sharone reports back to me with info about Robbie all the time now.  I appreciate that.  I can stay on top of things and I never have to guess.  But the info is not good.  Not yet, anyway.  First off, he’s seriously into Chrissy.  We ran into a little bit of chaos, because of course Chrissy doesn’t know that he likes her, so she was trying to set me up with him.  She asked him if he was seeing anyone.  She asked for me.  But he misunderstood, he thought that they were flirting a whole lot and then her asking him this — it sounded like she was interested and thinking about leaving Gordon for him, which was not at all the case.  Sharone told him that Chrissy had told her that she had a friend who liked Robbie, so that cleared that up, sort of.  The idea was that it would help Robbie get over her, because he’d know she wasn’t interested, while opening his mind to other possibilities.  It didn’t quite work that way.  It did convince him to give up on her, so that’s good at least.  However–

ROBBIE: Did she say who her friend was?
SHARONE: No, I don’t know who it is.
ROBBIE: I think I know who.
SHARONE: Who?
ROBBIE: Stephanie M——–.
SHARONE: Why do you think that?
ROBBIE: I can just tell by the way she is with me.
SHARONE: Are she and Chrissy even friends?
ROBBIE: Yeah, good friends.

So.  He knows.  Or at least, he strongly suspects.  Sharone’s trying to convince him that this is a good thing, but he says that, whether it’s me or not, it doesn’t really matter, whoever it is is not who he’s into right now.  I don’t look at Stephanie that way, he says, I look at Chrissy that way.

That’s still not a "no, never."  It’s an "I’m too involved in this other crush to be open to this idea."  I can understand that.  And Sharone says that Robbie always encourages his friends to try these things out.  "You know them from class, from rehearsals," he says, "that’s not the same as knowing them on a date.  People are different on dates.  Try it."  So it could be that in a little bit, when he’s had some time to get over her, I’ll get a phone call asking me out.  But for right now?

For right now, time to relax a bit.  Time to stop analyzing, take the information I’m getting and not look for more.  Accept that he wants someone else, and I can completely understand, if I were a guy I’d be so in love with Chrissy.  This is just a fact of my life right now, that I have feelings for Robbie and he doesn’t return them.  I’m willing to take that and hold that and wait.  It’s not like I’m looking at anyone else.  And I still just love being in the room with him.  I’ll be so lost when the show ends…I can’t lose him, I can’t.  Maybe by then it won’t be an issue.  I see him looking at me sometimes.  Perhaps it’s just my fancy that it’s a considering look.

In rehearsal today we were blocking all the kissing, stripping, and pre-sex stuff.  I felt so awkward.  It made me realize just how little experience I really have.  Like, I don’t know what I’m doing at all.  But apparently it doesn’t look awkward from outside, so that’s good.  Chrissy told me that, the last time we ran it, it was really hot, and she and Robbie exchanged a slightly shocked and very pleased look acknowledging this.  So that’s good at least.  I don’t know.  I don’t know what I need to do to get this guy.  But he knows I like him, so the ball’s in his court.  Perhaps when he’s enough over Chrissy, he’ll want to try it out.  Until then, I’ll wait.  I can do that.  I’m good at waiting.

Am I a little bit miserable?  Yeah.  But it’s still mixed with so much happiness at the fact that I have this guy in my life.  Paul is dating Claire, another girl from the show, she’s wonderful and I’m so happy for them.  But it must be so hard on Robbie, that Paul has just gotten together with a girl and he’s just found out for sure and for always that the girl he wants is one he can’t have.  Chrissy knows all of this except that the girl is her, she has no idea about that, it’s kinda funny and kinda sad.  She tries to comfort me and reassure me that I’m better than her, whoever she is, and that eventually he’ll realize this and if he doesn’t it’s his loss.  Poor girl, when she finally finds out that Robbie’s mystery crush was her all along…well, I think my behavior towards her will suddenly start to make sense.  I’ve been very huggy and loving with her, because I need her comfort.  If she ceases to be my comfort, she will become my enemy, and I can’t have that.  I can’t start to hate this girl, I love her too much.  When she finds out it’s her, she’ll feel so awful.

Maybe, knowing that my chances are so slim, I’ll get over him.  That wouldn’t be such a bad thing, really.  It could happen.  Could it?  I don’t know.  When we were choosing a movie a week ago tonight, he wanted to watch a romantic comedy.  He’s terribly sweet and calming with small dogs.  He sings beautifully.  He cooks.  He’s a brilliant actor.  And he plays Wise and Otherwise.

–Stephanie