I’d give it all for you…

That is the name of the song that Sam and I hope to sing at Nat’s showcase tomorrow.  She wants us to sing "Therapy" from Tick, Tick…BOOM! instead.  We have nothing against "Therapy," it’s fun.  But we are passionate about "I’d Give it All For You."  We have connected to it and we have connected to each other through it…it’s an amazing piece of music and we can do it justice in performance because it means something to us.  She wants us to sing the other one because it’s funny.  I am hoping to plead with her until she changes her mind.  In all the time I’ve worked under, with, or for Nat, I don’t think I have ever made a personal request of her.  Sam’s life and my life too are so unpredictable right now, who knows if we’ll ever have the chance to sing together again.  It’s an amazing experience for us to sing this piece, because we love it so much and it means so much.  It won’t come to fruition unless we can put it in front of an audience.  It won’t be finished.

In this song, we can have everything we can’t have in real life.  This is the only time I can sing a love song with Sam.

The relationship I want is the relationship that Sam and I would have if he were straight.  Being around him is part Heaven and part Hell.  I have never loved like this before…the closest analogue is Jesse, at the beginning of our relationship, but I was thirteen and that love was adolescent.  This is not.  This is full, adult love.  The kind of love that causes people to marry.  Because it lasts, time won’t shake it.  This is not juvenile, it is not youthful.  It is complete.  I could spend the rest of my life with this man.  And, in terms of companionship, he could spend the rest of his life with me.  Something went wrong in the planning stages somewhere, because this is meant to be, and there is something fundamentally off, because we can never have this.  Sexuality is not something you choose.

Another song we sang together and hoped to do in the showcase was "Written in the Stars," from Aida.  Often I feel that way with him… "I will…fail to understand how a perfect love could be confounded out of hand. Is it written in the stars? Are we paying for some crime?"  Or, as the gadfly says in "Pegasus," "Why this?  Why this?"

Or, as we sing with passion and strength, "I tried to believe it.  It was better without you.  I was safer alone….No.  I’d give it all for you.  I’d give it all for you by my side once more.  Oh, I’d give it all for you, I’d give it ’cause the mountains I climb get higher and higher, I’m running from time and walking through fire, and dreams just don’t come true.  But now there’s you."

I didn’t think I could go on loving someone like this when I absolutely knew I could never have him.  After all, when there are no prospects and no hope, it just makes sense to give up.  I need to meet someone else.  Because until I do I won’t believe that there is anyone else.  No one I have ever known compares.  When I am feeling better and I believe in reincarnation, it is a comfort that something that does not work out in this life will work out in another one.  But a whole lifetime seems a long, long time to wait.

–Stephanie