First steps
Things went well on Monday, I think. It was not, perhaps, as…dramatic…an experience as I might have hoped, but it was…good. It was good. I met some of the Spiral Circle members, and had the priviledge of visiting their sacred space. Adam and I pulled weeds from around the altar, and we all sat together on the bare ground while they burned the cleared greenery, and the smoke was sweet-smelling and blew gently all the way around the circle, 360 degrees, as the wind changed direction again and again. We all took off for a wander through the woods together, and that was nice but it would have been nicer if I hadn’t been fasting. I talked a lot with Adam and with Cassie, also with a few of the other students there but mostly with Adam and Cassie. Max did not come — she asked me yesterday whether I had had a good time, and I said yes, very much — everyone has been very welcoming and no one has tried to turn me away or question my decisions. I am grateful for this. Cassie wants to take me to the local "new age" shop, and I would like to go…there are a few things I would like to look for.
I think I’m a bit frustrated because I want to be moving faster. I’ve made the choice to do this and I want to do it. But it isn’t like Judaism where there’s a holiday every week. I have to wait for a full moon ritual. And I can do all the reading I want, but…I just feel that this will be so slow. I should ask Cassie what to do next, what to do at all. I don’t want to bother Adam too much. We had some nice conversation in the car — it’s a fair drive there and back, about 45 minutes — but we are so guarded with each other. It’s as though we’ve put up walls between us because, should we ever face each other without them, there would be some kind of an explosion. And I can’t quite tell if we’d both just blow up and die, or if we’d tear each other to pieces, or if we’d…well, there is a third option. Or the other possibility…that I’m nothing remarkable to him at all and he is not party to this, um, dynamic tension. Is this train of thought and feeling a little too close to a crush for comfort? Probably.
I took a silent Amidah to make peace with G-d, and I feel a lot better having done that. And it was Yom Kippur, and I was able to say, I’m not sorry, because I don’t think there’s anything to be sorry for, but I’m going to try this and see how it works. So I might call You by other names and reach for You in other ways. And the liturgy around which I have shaped my faith may no longer work for me. But we will make this work for us, because that’s what this is all about, is finding something that will work better. And it was good. It was peace.
I told my mother about this last night. She was not pleased. She did her best to be accepting and open-minded, but she was really unhappy. The word "Pagan" just does not fit with her understanding of what is OK for a Jew to be or to do. I tried to explain that I am not converting out of the religion, just…adding to my own personal expression of spirituality. And she said, yes, I get that, but…you’re a Pagan? And well, what can I really say to that. She stopped just short of "this will kill your father," settling instead for "it’ll be really interesting to see what your father says." He will be…most unhappy. She did suggest that possibly we could wait for my Uncle Elliot to die before letting anything leak out to my extended family. I think the worst thing that could actually happen because of this would be if Andrea and Noah stopped letting me play with/babysit their children. That is not beyond the realm of possibility. Perhaps this can be kept out of the extended family until the kids are old enough that it won’t matter, or won’t be their parents’ choice. Ack, this is messy.
But I still know it’s right.
In other news, AIDS/LifeCycle LAB was today! We played the slideshow Joe sent us, which was amazing, and answered people’s questions and tried to sell the department on riding with us this coming summer. There seem to be a lot of interested people. It got me all excited again…we’re going to ride together in June! I get to live that again! Ah, such blessings…
I had my first Rocky rehearsal last night, which was actually a whole lot of fun. Even if rehearsals are really late, 11:00-1:00 usually, tonight again…not really looking forward to that. I would rather go to bed. But I’m sure it’ll be good. And the show is only a couple of weeks from now, so I’m not too worried, I’ll survive.
I miss Danny, and I miss Sam. I want them both here, now, right now. Especially Danny, it just isn’t right here without him. Something is missing. Something important.
I still haven’t told Anna.
–Stephanie