Evals and Final Marathon

I’m going to cram a whole lot into this entry in as little time as possible, but I expect that almost all of it will be dealt with more fully in days to come.

I did not pass my Evals.  Neither musical theatre nor acting.  This having happened, I must at some point explain more fully what Evals are really all about and why it is OK that I have failed.  Because it is OK.  They are not kicking me out, it was not a rejection, it does not affect my grade, I will not have to graduate late, etc.  It just means that there are a few things that still need to be fixed in my basic acting before I go on to upper level work.  They all told me that I’m almost there, there are just a couple of thing I still need to work on — I’m not yet showing what I’m feeling, basically.  I need to be braver in my work, take more risks, feel more, share more.  I’m almost there.  But I need one more semester of scene study and musical theatre performance before I go on to upper level work.  So I will take these classes and then I will be great.  All the students tell me I will be great.  Darcy, Jeremy P—-, Melissa, people I trust, tell me I will be great.  A lot of our best actors fail their Evals.  This is both cause and effect.  The faculty sees someone with great potential and they make them repeat 220 to make sure they have the foundations solidly so that they can soar later on; and because they retake 220, they have the foundations solidly enough to be great in upper level work.  So this is not a bad thing.

It is a hard thing to hear, but it is not a bad thing.

It is also a hard thing to say.  I desperately wish Robbie did not have to hear about this, because I expect he already has enough doubts about me, doubts which I want to disprove, not confirm.  But Darcy is good friends with him, and she says that he’s anal enough that he would never have cast me if he had any doubts.  So that’s good.

Jon L—-, one of the best in Freedom, failed his Evals.  So did Rich U——, from Chicago last year.  Two years from now, when I am a senior, and next year’s freshmen are failing their Evals, this year’s freshmen will comfort them by telling them that I failed mine.  I will be great, I make this resolution now, I have it in me to be great and I will do it.  I just need a little extra time.

Lisa says I need to be less safe in my work.  She told me to take an improv class this summer, which I will do.  She also said to do something that scares me every day.  I promised to write it all down and bring it to her next year.  Geri says that I need to stop masking my emotions, that I’ll be more interesting and more complete if I just show who I really am and what I’m really thinking.  She says that the way to start doing this is to mirror the people I’m talking to, mirror their gestus and facial expressions.  I tried it a few times yesterday and I found that it relaxes me immeasurably to mirror what the person I’m talking to is doing.  I like it.

I’ve done a lot of crying the last few days.

Anna and Adam both passed their Evals, as did a lot of people.  Danny failed, so we’ll be retaking together.  There were only three of us in MT who failed both.  But that’s OK.  It’s right, I trust the faculty, and I will be great.

On another topic, yesterday was Final Marathon.  The freshman skit was excellent and the speeches were nice — last year’s was better, I think.  I don’t want these people to leave.  Penna made the most beautiful speech, apologizing for being emotionally absent and covering what he’s been feeling, and he thanked Geoff for the friendship they had had.  He looks amazing but I hate looking at him and knowing that he’s lost so much weight because he’s so sick.  I just want him to be well and happy.  That is all I want for Penna.

The party was fun but I didn’t stay that long.  I got really dressed up and Robbie didn’t even come, so that was sad.  He and Paul are hosting the Black Box Awards tonight (“It’s like the Oscars, squared,” said Paul yesterday), so I’m taking my parents to that to give them an idea of how amazing these two are.  My parents are here, by the way, to see my show tomorrow night.  Right now they’re sleeping in their hotel, they took a red-eye in last night.

People have confidence in me, so I just have to have confidence in myself.  I was telling Anna after I had heard that I failed, I wish I could go back and do this semester over, I’ve learned so much and if I could try it again it would all come out differently.  But of course that can’t be done, so I promised her and myself that next semester will be different.  But then I thought, if next semester, why not just start tomorrow?  So the last couple of days have been different.  I have been more present, more available, more true, less intimidated, less small.  I fully intend to talk to Robbie tonight even though he will be the host of the event and everyone will want to talk to him.  This could happen, this could work out.  I know I always say that and it’s always true, but this time I’m not going to qualify it or lessen it, this could happen.  And, even more importantly, if it happens, it could actually be good.

It’s been a rough couple of days, but I’m doing OK.  There are only two more performances of Freedom, which is all right with me I guess, I don’t really do much in the show and it feels sort of surreal now anyway.  I don’t want the seniors to leave, but that’s what happens at the ends of years.  And, it being the end of the year, I’d better go tackle some of the 40 or so train letters I have to write…

–Stephanie