And so.

And a month after it started, beautifully and completely and with astounding wholeness, it is over.  Or…on hold.  Or something.  I don’t know, I don’t understand, don’t ask me.  All I know is that the man I love has decided he wants to just be friends.  And he’s decided it a week — less — before I was supposed to come and stay with him.  Needless to say, I will now be staying with my wonderful best friend instead.

I don’t want to talk about this right now.  Well, I do and I don’t…it’s sitting inside me and will not be exorcised, but probably because I don’t want to talk about it, go through the story yet again…most of my flat doesn’t even know.  They did comment on how I’ve changed my desktop from a picture of Tyler to a picture of bleeding hearts (the flowers, not anatomical bleeding hearts), but no one asked.  I’m glad.  I don’t want to be asked.

I wonder if Aaron told them all when I was out.

To quote something I wrote in a poem once, a poem I wrote for someone else in fact, but it is more applicable than ever:

You never told me ‘no, not you,’
You only said ‘not now.’

You, he says.  You.  I will still call every day, he says.  And I hope that someday we can be together.  But it does not feel right just now.  He’s been thinking this for two days…after a whole month of being together.  Well, long-distance together.

After four and a half years of being single, I have one month in a relationship; you’d think that going back to the base state would be easy.  But no.  No.

–Stephanie