My Heart Misses Her
Oh Lord I disappeared again. I promise I have a good reason though.
On January 19th, I lost my mom to diabetes. Most of you already know that because you follow me on facebook, but for those that don’t, that’s what I’ve been dealing with. Now, let me say this – I’m setting this to no notes. I can’t take not one more condolense. Every one is like picking the scab off the wound even though I know that’s not the purpose. I know everyone means well and just wants me to know that I am in their thoughts and prayers and I really appreciate that, I do. However, after we had the funeral I just wanted to begin the healing process.
It’s hard…but it’s not. Honestly, not to sound preachy at all, but I have no idea how people do this without Jesus, I really really don’t. The comfort and peace that he gave me when my mother passed….there’s nothing like it. Don’t get me wrong, Jesus and I are on blah terms. I love and appreciate him more than ever, but every once in a while I’m disappointed in him. Really? Taking my mother when I’ve just given birth? Was there not a better time? And before you ask, no, my mother did not get to see Johanna in the flesh. My mother had infections and was in isolation. I probably shouldn’t have gone up there while pregnant but I did. No one was gonna keep me from seeing my best friend. On top of that, I ended up being in the hospital myself for 8 days after giving birth, but that’s another story. I didn’t leave the hosptial til the day after she died. However, she did see pictures of her. My aunt left pics up there with the nurses to show her, so she got to see her one way or another before she left this earth. I would really love to be sharing this experience with her though. It hurts and sucks that I can’t.
I’ve been spending time trying to figure out who I am without my mother. I would be lying if I said a piece of me isn’t freer. I never would’ve left DC and moved to another state if she were still alive. Never. I didn’t want to miss a thing with her, and I also didn’t want her to fall ill and need me and I be 5 hours away by plane, you know? Now I feel like I can go live in Switzerland! Like I can just move all around the world without a care in the world. I’m also more social for some reason. I suddenly have a thirst for meeting new people *shrug*. It’s very weird lol. I go out by myself a lot these days just to meet other people.
I would trade anything I have to get her back though, to make this all be some really bad dream. My moms friend said she use to say "that’s my girl". that’s what my mom use to say about me. I use to always tell her she’s my homie lol. She really was. I could be myself around her. As silly and crazy as I wanted to be and she didn’t blink an eyelash. I would give anything to kiss her cheek again, stroke her head, or just listen to her breathe. I miss my mom. I will always miss her.
The one good thing is that we actually had two conversations about her passing and she said when that time came i had to make it. I had to. Because she wanted me to and because God had so much instore for me. "It’s gonna hurt, of course, because you are going to miss me, but you’ve gotta make". That’s what she said. I know without a doubt that that is the reason why I got pregnant when I did, and I had Johanna when I did. God knew, HE KNEW that if my mom died and I didn’t have this little girl I would lose it. I would completely lose it. But having her keeps me grounded. I can’t lose it. I can have moments of losing it, but I have to then keep moving, don’t let the moments become a life time of depression. When I feel the tears coming, I cry. I let it out. When I’m angry I acknowledge it. When I’m just sad, I acknowledge that too. but then I get up and keep going. I think she would be proud.
Anywho, that’s what I’ve been up to. This is my sad entry. Tomorrow or the next day I hope to get to post my happy entries – my labor story and johannas newborn pics! I love you guys and I appreciate your support. Thank you for sticking with me.
God Speed,
Reina