you know…

It’s been a long time since i wrote anything of substance here, and i dont know if this will be either, but here we go…

 

You expect too much from me, you have all these ideas that i’m perfect, some wealth of wisdom to solve your every problem.  I’m not.  I’m just a broke college kid with no motivation.  you think i’m aways in such good humor, with a wity quip on the tip of my tounge.  i’m not.  I’m afraid i’ll see you travel down the road i’ve seen too many others travel down, and the very thought breaks my heart, so I put on the mask and try and keep you from tipping over the edge.

you think i see you as only a friend…….i dont.  It’s a constant struggle to keep myself in check and do what’s right.  i know what i would have to say to convince you, but I have to stop myself for both our sakes.

you said that i’m impossible to read.  I do that for a reason: so no one can see what i truely think of myself.   I’m a selfish bastard at heart, i just dont have the guts to get what i want.  I dont have the courage to say no.  every little self depreciating remark i make is a fraction of my own self loathing.  i dont know, nor do i like who I am, but i dont have the drive to change.

I wont lie to you, It’s hard to keep going on with this when i’m getting phone calls at all hours, listening to all your troubles and knowing that there is no one to help with mine.  it’s hard, but i’ll deal with it.  i want to keep helping you, but if things keep up like they’re going now i’ll only be hurting myself.  until now i’ve been fighting all this for you, but even your "valiant knight" gets tired of fighting.  so i offer this: let me be your preacher to guide you, your teacher to chide you, and your friend to rip on you without mercy.  I cant fight like this for much longer, but i can help you learn how to fight for yourself.  i dont expect you to listen all the time, in fact, i’d be dissappointed if you did.  you think for yourself, and i’ll do my damnedest to point you in the right direction.

you never ment to be a burden, i know that.  that is mostly my fault.  I started this with the idea that i could fix things with a few conversations and a "bastard bat" (just made that up, by the way).  I was wrong.  you see? i’ve been wrong from the start.  I CANT fix anything, but YOU can.  and i’ll help you.  I WILL listen, i WILL care, just as i do now.  and maybe in time things will be better.

i was out of line tonight, and I am sorry.  with all my heart, I am sorry.

 

 

till things are brighter.

nick.

 

 

 

I am a Rock

A winters day
In a deep and dark december;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Ive built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Dont talk of love,
But Ive heard the words before;
Its sleeping in my memory.
I wont disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

 

Simon and Garfunkle