the bad guy
hey there boys, girls, and those with a little of both. i’ve spent the last half hour thinking…and i wish i hadnt.
i’ve re-read some of my older posts, the good ones, the bad ones, the wierd as fuck ones…and i dont know what happened. yeah, sure, im still a pretty happy guy, but i’ve somehow allowed myself to change into something i dont wanna be. i feel like i’ve let everyone down with my weakness. kelby thinks i hate him, because we never hang out. dana hates me because we broke up, she’s sad, and i told her to snap out of it. i hurt people i never wanted anything but laughter from…
i had a post a few months ago about my friends, and what they mean to me. after thinking hard about it, im changing way too much for my own good. i still act the same when im in public, but when i get home, i’ve got nothing left. i tend to wind up in my room, either out cold, or mentaly attacking myself for every mistake i’ve made (which as you can imagine takes a while). it’s terrible, because the things i used to enjoy are just getting anoying now. i havent had the energy to actually lift in the weight room for months. sure, i go in and work, but i dont dig as deep, i dont want it as bad. spending time with my friends is nearly impossible, since one or all of us has something more important to do. plus Dana would be there. me + dana = major emotional tension. i dont know what’s happening to me. im reminded more and more often about all the wrongs i’ve commited: hurting my parents with all the shit i pull, i hurt dana, i hurt vanessa. i havent even spoken to gwin in months. i dont konw if laura’s even comfortable around me. i dont think she is. i feel terrible about ditching kelby all the time, cuz he’s like my brother, but something’s just not right. i cant help people for some reason, everything i do makes it worse…i’ve never taken real good care of myself, but it’s getting worse now. i’ve had 2 meals in the last 2 days, i dont sleep much, maybe 4-5 hours a night, with bad dreams…maybe it’s the dreams that are the problem: i always see myself at the center of something terrible, but i cant figure out what it is. maybe all this is what the terrible thing is. i really feel like talking to someone right now, but no one is awake…im alone in the dark…ironic, no?
ALONE
by: Edgar Allan Poe
From childhood’s hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My SORROW; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved ALONE.
Thenin my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy lifewas drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a DEMON in my view.
nothing from nowhere, im no one at all. nick.
i totally know how you feel, i’m sort of going through that stage right now. except with the friends, i can’t even hang out ith them (when i MAGICALLY get the chance) because i just get so distracted by the stuff inside my head.
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jesus christ that’s weird …. your life is my life! thats just how i feel! my friend hus like my sister … things are so different now and its all changing – or am i changing? wow thats weird u mite just have inspired me 2 write an entry! if u ever need ne1 hu understands…. peace out x
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its like you said. we’re surprisingly alike, you and i…
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quit the sappy shit
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hey. if you need or want to talk just call me im here for ya.. i love u … emily
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i love edgar allen poe, his poetry is amazing! I like Anabelle-Lee. Its interesting. Well, take care
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