Substernal Circadian Syncopation

Big words, eh?

I think there’s something wrong with me. it’s 2am on a Thursday. by all accounts, I should be fast asleep dreaming about kittens and spam. and yet, for some reason I’m wide awake, just like I am every night. Oh, I’ll fall asleep eventually. probably around 4 or 5. but until then, I feel like I could sprint a mile and not even be winded. I have all these ideas floating around in my head at night, all these goals, projects, all this ambition. and yet I find that the world is asleep when all I want to do is scream and tear around like a hooligan. It used to be on nights like this when I’d go creeping. I used to prowl around this city like it was mine after midnight. maybe it’s something I should start doing again. I spend all this time awake when I should be sleeping, and then go through my normal-people day like a zombie lobotomy patient. every ounce of ambition I have at night, like now, seems to melt away in the sunlight, and it’s all I can do to bring myself to do my homework, much less excel at anything right now.

I know what it is that’s crippling me like this, but I can’t find anyone to help me fix it. I’m not supposed to be sitting around all day. I’m not equipped to spend many more hours deep in thought. Every fiber of my being is taut and yearning to be driven to the extreme, until I’m left gasping for breath and shaking with exhaustion.  The body that I’ve let fall into disrepair is starting to hate me, taunt me with these bits of motivation when there’s nothing I can do with them.  Even now, every muscle I stretch, every knuckle I crack sends a tiny rush across my shoulders, telling me I should be carrying, digging, fighting, ANYTHING to let loose.  for far too long my hands have been missing their calluses, my back has been missing the burn of exertion, and my belly has been missing the fire of determination it once had.  I once thrived on the brutal and the savage. Now I feel like I’m locked up.  trapped by my own sloth.

and yet, all my talk of what i’m capable of amounts to nothing but impotent yammering.  I love the feel of being exhausted from honest work, and yet, I do no such work. What I truly need is a companion, a rival. someone who I know will be there to push me to be as good as i know i can be. and yet, there’s no one.

feh.

Till things are brighter.

Nick.

The Worst Day Since Yesterday
by:  Flogging Molly

Well I know, I miss more than hit
With a face that was launched to sink
An’ I seldom feel, the bright relief
It’s been the Worst Day Since Yesterday

If there’s one thing I have said
Is that the dreams I once had, now lay in bed
As the four winds blow, my wits through the door
It’s been the Worst Day Since Yesterday

Fallin’ down to you sweet ground
Where the flowers they bloom
It’s there I’ll be found
Hurry back to me, my wild calling
It’s been the Worst Day Since Yesterday

Though these wounds have seen no wars
Except for the scars I have ignored
And this endless crutch, well it’s never enough
It’s been the Worst Day Since Yesterday

Hell says hello, well it’s time to I should go
To pastures green, that I’ve yet to see
Hurry back to me, my wild calling
It’s been the Worst Day Since Yesterday