11/23/07

i’ve discovered that i am a total paradox.

the thought hit me the other night at school when i was walking back from the shower at 1 AM.  the entire building was silent, with nothing breaking the veil of solitude but the wind howling at the building in its way and the motor of the bubbler just kicking out.  as i made my way down the poorly carpeted hall, i reveled in the singularity i felt at the moment, the fact that i was completely free of everything, since nothing was around.  at that moment i longed for more of the same near absolute solitude, wishing i could sustain it untill the semester was over.

when i made it back to my room, a place i’ve unwittingly begun calling home, i dressed, and like always i checked facebook in a vain attempt to contact my life outside of stevens point.  it seems like every night, just when i think i can go to bed happy and comfortable with my life, i’m reminded.  i’ll get a message, or someone will write her something and i’ll see it, and the loneliness settles back over me like those lead aprons the dentist uses, slowly crushing me, squeezing the hope out of me like a ripe citrus fruit.

therein lies our paradox, dear reader.  i revel in my own isolation, yet simultaniously long for human contact, simple affection i can accept without having to remind myself that they’re just a friend…now and forever.

i still miss her, at times it still feels like what goodness i ever had is 900 miles away.  i still love her, i have to restrain myself on a regular basis so i dont drive down there with a handful of transfer papers and beg her to love me again.  i’d do it in a heartbeat too, but then i remember that she loves another now…i’ve been replaced.  she wants to be friends.  to me friends means that my heart that was once nearly incinerated by love and passion is now cold and barely beating.  but in what i can only describe as either altruistic or remarkably stupid, i give her my full support in dissecting my heart one email at a time, and beg forgiveness for the mess i’ve made on the floor.

now that i’ve said that, the paradox kicks in, and i feel like i should move on, find another.  there lies the problem.  i’ve tried, with one horrible failing attempt at a relationship and a pair of "i only think of you as a friend".  again the term friend is quickly turning into about two pints of pureed heart with a pinch of depression.  this is the first time i can recall when the only way i can desribe myself is pathetic.  the only thing that keeps me going is the rediculous, absurd thought that leah might one day change her mind.  i dont see it happening, but it’s about all i have going for me right now.

but hey, it’s thanksgiving, lets all be happy.

till things are brighter.

nick.