Writings from Beyond the Void

Well, the end of the wrold turned out to be something of an anti-climax. If anyone has seen the footage to the turning on of the Hadron Particle Collider, the world’s end would have gone from anti-climactic to a downright embarassment. Some middle aged fellow falteringly counting down from five to one and occasionally giggling at mistakes he made in counting backwards, followed by a half-arsed ‘yay’ could well have been the final words of our species. Any passing extra-terrestrials would have heaped even more scorn on us than they usually do. Where was the sense of drama? There should have been a full orchestra and supporting cast of flaggelants wailing and gnashing teeth and so forth. I.e.
 

Scientist 1 "Oh vengeful and merciful spirits hear ourbeseechings and grant us safe passage through the skeins of fate! Let no dark spirits halt our triumphant march into scientific planes as yet unknown"
(Increase in waling, rattling of chains etc. Small chicken sacrificed on computer terminal to appease the spirits of Microsoft)
Scientist 2 "Hear us now, oh great being of the empyrean, harken to our prayers, and let no harm assail us. Let us not be cast out into the void!"
(Lights dim, flagellation crescendo’s, Orchestra begins Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata. Audiences silence. A chav is sacrificed in lieu of a virgin. As scientist in a black velvet hood and iron mask slips through the crowd, a sacrificial dagger on one hand, a copy of A Brief History of Time in the other, with a bookmark at the bit about black holes)
Cloaked scientist: "And now the hour of destiny is upon us. I feel the darkness pressing in on all sides and the spirits of this world and the next crying out for absolution. The time of endings is at hand- let all present know the heavy weight that falls upon me. Let it be done."
(The cloaked figure spins around, his raiment flying about him. He sacrifices A Brief History of Time on the computer panel and begins a latin chant. The orchestra falls silent. Votive candles are placed around the control platform. A fat scientist feverishly eats a Mars bar. The latin chant ends and the lever is pulled. The audience gasps. The world has not ended. Jubilation erupts through the crowd, children are trampled to death in the gleeful rush or exuberant relief. The fat scientist is nudged and chokes to death on his Mars bar Gillian McKeith screams "I told you chocolate was bad for you!" and is sacrificed by everyone for being an irritating cow. The robed figure demands silence)
Robed figure "Like the phoenix, we have risen from the ashes of the past into the endless possibilities of the future. Let none now stand before our righteous path. We have become the avatars of a bright and brave new era, and none may now gainsay us. Keith, put the kettle on.

Vastly more impressive I’m sure you’ll agree. Hmmm… I’m quite hungry and as such must leave you with this messge: The Maians reckoned the world will end on the 21st Decemeber 2012- we need to all clube together and build a moon base.

Love Tom (nobody else will)