Slip into Teenage Girldom

 Being the prejudiced old tart that I am I have rather disgusted myself by choosing to do a survey. Surely this is the realm of the adolescent girl ranting that boys are icky and going on about how much I love my bezzy mate Chardonnay-Destiny (15) and her 3 children (Shiraz, Kylie and Wayne). But I’m a liberal kinda guy and I’m going to give it my best shot. If I start ranting about how fit Ronaldo is and typing lol everyother word though, please hunt me down and kill me. You”d be doing me a service.

 A is for Age:
Well, I was born at a very young age and proceded from there really. I spent some time as a 10 year old which was fun, and 18 was a blast, but now I’m trying out 25. Quarter of a century. It’s a worryingly high number though, so I may try being 18 again next year. Far more agreeable.

B is for Best Day Ever:
Best day ever? The day I met David Beckham – he’s so dreamy!!! Best day ever? Was this survey written by a primary school drop out for Christs Sake? I have no idea- think brain… think… all of my best days happened when I was rather young I fear so I have trouble wading through the battered remains of my brain. Oh Korsakov’s Syndrome, why do you mock me so!!! The day I visited Pompeii, that’ll do! Next…

C is for Career:
For some bizarre reason I have been allowed near children, so I run an afterschool club, cook for a nursery in the mornings and do a bit of supply work inbetween. I also help run a holiday playscheme when term breaks up. AND I work in a games shop. AND I’m doing a senior level qualification in Childcare, Learning and Development. AANNNDDDD I’m the Communications Officer for Bangor Wargaming and Role Playing Society. AAAAANNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDD I do homework tutoring. Yes. I’m busy.

D is for Your Dog’s Name:
Shazbo McManus VIII. Oh what fun we have together, frolicking in fields and biting the knees of voles. "Come Shazbo!" I am heard to call, "Let us try and jump the hilly brush!" And then when the dark of night settles in I tuck him into the left side of my bed, prepare him a hot mug of Grandma Thrustbag’s Fur Enhancer and spoon with him until daybreak. Except I don’t own a dog. I do have two kittens though. A black and white little fuzz pot called Ma-Ha-Suchi and a tabby called Raksi. Yes their names are odd but so am I.

E is for Essential Items You Use Every Day:
The bus is pretty useful for deterring three hour walks. I like bus. Mt willy is useful for weeing and midnight manipulation, couldn’t live without my willy… my house is pretty useful for living in. My stereo has to win though. Stereos really- I have one in each room of my house. Downstairs I’m currently listening to a 1930’s band called the Ink Spots, or the better known 1950’s doo-wap band The Platters, and upstairs my sleep music is Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker Suite. Yes I’m pretentious.

F is for Favourite Song at the Moment:
My current favourite song is either Maybe by the Ink Spots (You can find it on youtube, but it has a video of nuclear blasts… have a listen) or Ur So Gay by Katy Perry because it’s so awful it somehow comes out the other side of bad and achieves a sublime magnificence….

G is for Favourite Games:
Losing my Favourite Game by the Cardigans is pretty good. I suppose my favourite game is Rome: Total Realism, a mod of Rome:Total War. I’ve been playing it for years and it still makes small fleks of excitment wee fly around the bedchamber. I like Scrabble too. And Warhammer, because I’m a NERD!

H is for Hometown:
Alas, my wonderfully dishabile hometown is Braunstone in Leicestershire. If I was ever to give the Earth an enema it would be inserted their.

I is for Instruments You Play:
This is where I really cement my nerd credentials: The trombone, the tuba, the euphonium, the trumpet, the cornet and the baritone. Yes, I’m a one man oompah band and I cannot tell you how much that sickens me. It’s hard to look suitably rock ‘n’ roll when you’re playing Largo on a tuba.

 More next week kids. There was a whole entry here but OD in it’s wisdom deleted most of it. Happy days.

ever, the vacuum pan method does not kill off all micro-organisms which may be present in the jam, therefore once the desired amount of water has been driven off, the jam still needs to be heated briefly to 95-100 °C to kill off any micro-organisms that may be present. During the commercial filling of the jam into jars, it is common to use a flame to sterilize the rim of the jar and the lid to destroy any yeasts & molds which may cause spoilage during storage. It is also common practice to inject steam into the head space at the top of the jar immediately prior to the fitting of the lid, in order to create a vacuum. Not only does this vacuum help prevent the growth of spoilage organisms, it also pulls down the tamper evident safety button when lids of this type are employed.
How easily a jam sets depends on the pectin content of the fruit. Some fruits, such as gooseberries, redcurrants, blackcurrants, citrus fruits, apples and raspberries, set very well; others, such as strawberries and ripe blackberries, often need to have pectin added. There are commercial pectin products on the market, and most industrially-produced jams use them. Home jam-makers sometimes rely on adding a pectin-rich fruit to a poor setter; for example apple to blackberrys. Other tricks include extracting juice from redcurrants or gooseberries. Making jam at home is a popular handicraft activity, and many take part in this. Homemade jam may be made for personal consumption, or as part of a cottage industry.
 

Legal definitions

USDA definitions

The USDA treats jam and preserves as synonymous, but distinguishes jelly from jams and preserves. All of these are cooked and pectin-gelled fruit products, but jellies are based entirely on fruit juice or other liquids, while jams and preserves are gelled fruit that includes the seeds and pulp.

European Union directives on ‘jam’

In the European Union, the jam directive (Council Directive 79/693/EEC, 24 July 1979) set minimum standards for the amount of "fruit" in jam, but the definition of fruit was expanded to take account of several unusual kinds of jam made in the EU. For this purpose, "fruit" is considered to include fruits that are not usually treated in a culinary sense as fruits, such as tomatoes; fruits that are not normally made into jams; and vegetables that are sometimes made into jams, such as: rhubarb (the edible part of the stalks), carrots, sweet potatoes, cucumbers, and pumpkins. This definition continues to apply in the new directive, Council Directive 2001/113/EC (20 December 2001).

‘Extra jam’ is subject to somewhat stricter rules that set higher standards for the minimum fruit content (45% instead of 35% as a general rule, but lower for some fruits such as redcurrants and blackcurrants), as well specifying as the use of unconcentrated fruit pulp, and forbidding the mixture of certain fruits and vegetables with others.
Thanks Wikipedia. You rock.

K is for Kids:
I look after hoardes of the barbaric screaming monstrosities with little less than epic glee and epic depression- love them, want my own, I do not yet posess any. Should you wish you give me children please apply to the Tom Kilby Baby Production Mission and I’ll get on to it shortly.

L is for Last Kiss:
Ummm… sadly a man called Kenny with whom I used to live. I didn’t kiss him back but he tried to put his tongue in my mouth while drunk. It wasn’t pleasant. Before that it was young Kate. That was two years ago. I hsve been depressingly single since then. Go me.

M is for Mum’s Job:
My mum works with kid’s with problems who are on their last chance before being kicked out of school. I did some volunteer work with her a while back which was simultaneously very fulfilling and heartrending.

N is for nothing, much like J, only N actually is for nothing, which makes this acceptable.

O is for Overnight Hospital Stays:
There was this one time that I recall where I came out of this warm wet place into somewhere glaringly bright, was smacked on the arse and then assaulted with a rough towel. Oh no, wait, that was works Christmas do. What were we talking anout again?

P is for Phobias:
A fact that is well known by those who know it well is that I am terrified of goats. The reason for this a manifold. Read this litany of terrors, if you will:
1) They can jump at you over massive fences with no run up and hover majestically over
2) They can eat anything and NOT DIE
3) They have sharp and unpleasantly jabby horns
4) They have really freakish eyes
5) The devil himself is part goat
Why have people not irradicated the beardy little bastards from the earth. I have to go on trips to farm parks with the kids and you can here the goats planning my downfall. Though I did see a dead one on my last visit to a farm so there is some justice. Hopefully the time of goaty judgement is at hand and they’ll all be cast burning into the fiery pits of Goat-Hell.

Q is for Quote You Like:
‘Once I gave up on all hope I felt much better’ George Bernard Shaw. That phrase is now my own personal motto

R is for Biggest Regret:
I seriously regret nothing. What would be the point- it’s already happened. It’s like when fat greedy scumbos say "Oh, I really shouldn’t have had that 14th profiterole!" And I can’t help but look at them and think they’re fatuous, tedious little people. Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we may die. So cheer up!

S is for Sex:
I’m afraid I can’t right much on this subject as it hasn’t happened for so long. 2 years… AAARRRGH! Anyway, this was a short entry, which pretty much describes my sexual prowess.

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ze=”2″>T is for Time You Wake Up:
Ummm… as late as humanly possible. I’m the master of the snooze button. I can now carry out all necessary ablutions in 14 seconds on a work day.

U is for Underwear:
Rancid smelly boxers that I will chisel off once winter ends. Not strictly true but it paints an image of living in Wales doesn’t it.

V is for Vegetable You Love:
Christopher Reeve

W is for Worst Habit:
Excess drinking. I LIKE ALCOHOL. My liver may not, but what does he know.That and correcting people or giving out ‘interesting facts’ without due care and attention.

X is for X-Rays You’ve Had:
I had my teeth x-rayed to see where they were. They were in my mouth. The dentist looked puzzled by this and gave me three years of agony through the medium of braces. What an arse pig.

Y is for Yummy Food You Make:
I dabbled in expreimental cookery not too far back (I am a cook by trade) and invented a wonderfully weird thing- pork and cider crumble. It’s basically a pork casserole with a cider base to the stock, a few caramelized apples lobbed in and liberally seasoned with a savoury crumble stuck on top and bunged back in the oven. Not bad if I do say so myself. That and my seafood lasagne.

Z is for Zodiac Sign:
Libra. Apparently I’m a finely balanced and reasonable person. I have these traits too apparently:
Diplomatic / compromising however possibly manipulative
Cooperative
Fair / balanced / impartial
Idealistic (in relationships)
Charming
Frivolous
Tendency to gambling
Sociable and easy-going, love having people around them
Indecisive / changeable
Peace loving
Elegant / graceful
Refined / artistic / good taste
Shallow
Pleasure oriented
Gentle
Sensitive to others
Analytical, clear-minded and logical, however still manages to be gullible and influenceable,naive
Romantic, strongly interested in the opposite sex.
Cheerful
Flirty / frivolous
What a load of complete bollocks. The day I become elegant and graceful is the day Hitler comes back with a bouquet of flowers for every widow in Israel. Astrology is a load of cobblers.

Well, that’s that marathon flow of mind poison put up for your viwing torture. Do please try to enjoy.

Me