Nelson’s Lonely Hearts Column
Dear Nelson,
I’m a desperately lonely child care worker (22), whose girlfriend has dissappeared since Friday. She was, and probably is, a beautiful young lady with a penchant for alcoholism and hair products. I don’t know how to win her back, and have come to my wits end. Please tell me what to do Nelson!
Tom, age 22, Bangor
Dear Tom,
I’m a London Statue, stop talking to me.
I’m in a very glum mood today- not entirely sure why. It may well be a mix of missing Kate, missing my family and missing my alcohol. I also have a really irritating, itchy rash on the inside of my elbow which probably signifies the onset of pneumonic plague. Add to this the fact I’m listening to Telstar by Tornados and it all adds up to one thing: I’m becoming a helpless depressed batchelor. Damn it. I’m going to have to learn to take care of myself before Friday or Kate will smite me with a curse. Again.
Work was ok today though- Nicky, the kids and I are planning some fund raising activities and my input is that we invent some pokemon of our own and I’ll make them into real playing cards like the Pokemon card game and that we will then sell them to the kids. It’ll only make a little bit but will cost very little to do. It’s a crap idea I know, but the kids are loving it.
We caught a frog today and it got free inside. I caught it though before it ate any of the children. I’ve seen it happen.
Anyway, rather than bore you with my incessant prattle I ask you to look for the seller named thedoomhippy on ebay and buy things from him as he needs the money. Trust me.
Love
The Doom Hippy
Children eating frogs aaarrrgghhhh! Thanks for gracing me with a note chick, I feel truly honored. Lianne Marie xXx
Warning Comment
“I’m afraid I must silence that grape.” – God damn, I love the thing on the front of your diary… I may have an affair with it. Time to cheer up now, darling. Or else. And yes, I will smite you with a curse – EAT SOMETHING! AND DRINK FENNEL TEA! xxx
Warning Comment
perhaps the rash is from a prvious cursing of Kate’s? She wants to make sure you’re positively itching to see her again. It was transmitted via the frog. i am sure of it. frog’s can’t just chillax on a lilypad, they have to wreak havoc on children and lonely men. oh yes. xxx
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My parents get lots of frogs invading their house. They have to catch them quick before they dry out. That’s not a nice thing to find – a dried up frog under the radiator.
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little Tomety rashety! You will be fine, you are just lonely for Kate. She will be back soon and you will be all better! love ya. xxx
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hmmmmmmm…I’d so buy stuff off of you if I wanted to. that sounded nicer in my head. Kate misses you, too, man. hope you’re having a nice now up there. *peace signs and smiley faces from down under*
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