An Imaginary Stuffed Cowboy Stole my Manhood EDIT

Hello. I never thought I’d have to live to report the day that my brain had disintegrated to such a degree that the tale I’m about to relate had to occur. I never thought I’d have to cope with the emotional fallout of such a circumstance. But alas it has happened. The only non-relationship based tear I’ve shed in the last 13 years was shed today. And it was extracted by an imaginary stuffed cowboy, cowgirl and their horse, an iamginary plastic dinosaur, an imaginary couple of plastic potatoes, an imaginary slinky dog, an imaginary plastic space ranger and an imaginary plastic piggy bank. Yes. I watched Toy Story 3.

SPOILER ALERT

I went with the kids from work. It was meant to be fun. I had popcorn and a fruit shoot and a cornetto. It was all going so well. I knew the end was supposed to be tear jerking. I was expecting it. But I started BEFORE THE END! About two thirds of the way through in fact. Because I knew it was going to be sad I expected the worst of each situation. The bit where they were all going into the furnace together and they held hands… oh my God. I felt like family members were about to die infront of me. I never realised how fond I am of the cast of Toy Story until I watched that moment. I had tears on my goddamn cheeks watching the toys all hold hands and face their death. Then oh the sweet triumph when the little aliens used the junk yard crane to save them- I nearly cheered. I actually nearly cheered at the salvation of kids film characters!

And that was sad because it was bad bit. I expected the worst, and they were all saved. That scene was brutal- loveable characters all about to be melted down before my very eyes was almost heartbreaking- how could the end be sadder than that? And it somehow was… when they all got given away and Andy, who obviously never met his Toy’s walking talking personas described them all so perfectly as he gave each and every one of them away to the little girl. I just wanted to cry. I really did. It was so touching as a moment of film.
SPOILER ALERT OVER

And the weirdest bit of all this? I’ve never cried at a film before and al the ladies I spoke to who watched it along with me didn’t actually get hit by it anywhere near as hard as me. I think this film is the ultimate boy film. We all have our favourite toys and are forced to shed our younger selves, but I think blokes have more trouble doing that than women. This is a gross simplification but I think remains basically true. Toy Story 3 is a blokes coming of age film the likes of which will never be made again. I like the fact it’s made me realise I’m not as stoney as I thought I was. And I think it hit me hard because of all the things I’ve had to leave behind in my exodus from Wales. Every man, everywhere, should watch Toy Story 3 and realise that we have emotions after all. It’s horrific in the most beautiful way.

Pixar, I salute you.

P.S. Please, for the love of God, whatever you do, DON’T throw away a toy. Please? Give them to a nice local child or put them all in the loft together. In a group. It’s what they’d want.

*EDIT* I just watched the furnace scene on youtube as a test to see if I was just being a bit emotional yesterday, but no, I got teary eyed again. I have now decided Toy Story 3 is the most powerful film ever made. It’s art. Accept it!