My father’s dead

[6:16 am] How do I go about writing this? I usually have a joke to lighten the mood. I mean, having a step that did sexual things to you like that doctor who had some guy wanting 5 minutes with him in a locked room. I rolled my eyes and thought, “That guy looks a hell of a lot bigger than you” as he shoved him out of the way. To forget all of that I’d laugh and make jokes.

A girl I liked said that I don’t have a soul or a drive. No motivation. When you’re 7 years old with a dick in your face, you KIND OF leave you know.

The sad truth is that the way we cope with the pain carries on as we get older.

It isn’t something you can just mask off and act as if it never happened.

I’m not saying that’s an excuse.

I’m saying that a part of you dies and you feel less and less.

It’s not the kind of news you want to be woken up to.

It’s like a shake you can’t get rid of. A knot in your stomach and dry heaving.

I didn’t know him but he wasn’t that great. Some of my earliest memories are of him beating my mom. She said that I ran at him and stuck a fork in his leg and that he kicked me and I went flying and hit the wall. I laughed since I thought it was funny which plays into the whole top part that I talked about.

There are a few good ones. I remember eating tomatoes with him. He’d put salt and lime juice on them.

I just wanted to know him. I wanted to know if we; if I did things that he did. Like did we dance the same? What kind of music did he listen to? What traits did we share?

I’m not smart like him even though everyone says that if I’d only apply myself to something, I would be. To that I saw what for?! It’s all pointless.

I’m not a doctor and I hate looking at blood and raw meat.

I’ll never know but it would have been nice.

I know he’s half Japanese and half Mexican. My grandmother (his mom) was Japanese. All I have are a few photos of us from 1997 and 1993. One Facebook picture off his profile. He never did add me but I think that’s because he didn’t use it. Or that’s what I’m telling myself to feel good about it.

Am I numb?

I feel as if.

I don’t know how I feel.

What am I supposed to say?! I want to fucking scream but my neighbor will bang on my wall as if the world is ending. Do you know what I mean?

A few weeks ago my grandfather died of cancer. I just felt my guts drop when I was told and I couldn’t remember what we Skyped about.

Is it wrong of me to talk about something that makes me happy at a time like this?

Someone posted this cat with a busted tail by one of the dumpsters in town. She gave him some of her chicken nuggets and some other lady caught him. His ears were all frost bitten along with other parts of his body. He got a bath and a warm cat bed and high protein wet food. A few people came together and donated some cat food. I gave him a box of Fancy Feast cans. My cat loves Fancy Feast so I figured he’d like it as well. That made me feel good until I saw a homeless guy and for once, I didn’t give him any money.

The last time I did everyone told me that they’re not homeless. So I used those $10 dollars I had in cash and got myself a 20 piece chicken nugget meal. I ate it all. I usually eat about 12 nuggets and the rest end up in the trash. Along with half the fries.

I wanted to ask my sad if be liked A Flock of Seagulls as much as I do…

I hate the way you’ll feel something touching your face and you realize it’s a tear. How did it get near my ear?

Would my dad of laughed at all of my horrible dates?

Probably not. My mom says that as serious as him so… Yeah. I do. Let’s recap my dates from the past 10 years. That’ll be a good way to end this. The reader gets a laugh and I too may laugh. There was the girl with the bad breath. The girl who was allergic to my Walmart flowers and almost died. Her mom gives me these evil looks when I’m shopping at her store. The tinder date that backed my car into a corner half wall. The blonde that asked me what size of shoe I wear and what my credit score was. Then there was that girl that said I act like a kid. The most recent one not telling me that she was seeing someone else but when I find I pull out.

That’s what she said.

Oh and my favorite. The seafood girl that had me drop her off at our local jail to see her boyfriend.

We can’t forget the girl that used to cut me hair. She said that she liked me because I’m weird and she likes weird people. She made my car smell like wet dog and lied about sending me some nudes.

It didn’t help. Or I can’t tell if it has.