this music.

This music, this music, this music brings back so many memories. So many memories of Kris and the summer of 2003 and my broken emo heart and the nights I spent crying, wondering if he’d ever love me the way I loved him. Or did I love him? Did I? Who knows? Do I love Cory? Oh my god, yes. Y’all just don’t know. But I feel like I treat him like shit. I feel like I’m absolutely awful to him. I feel like I don’t deserve him. He says I’m powerful, intriguing, beautiful, amazing, loving, caring, compassionate, influential, and unforgettable.

I’ve never been called most of those things, and it makes me feel wonderful. And he’s. . .he’s just the most amazing thing I’ve ever met in my life. He’s so not my usual type. So tall, so thin, so beautiful and delicate, but so strong and powerful, so caring and giving. Just tonight we were at Target and he says, “Pick out some flowers.” I picked red roses and he kissed my cheek. I watch him study with that intense look upon his face, so intent upon memorizing the material. I’m so proud of him. I’m so proud of him for studying so hard in his history class, and for loving me no matter how tough I know that can be.

I know he’s stressed, I know he’s depressed, and god am I trying to help but sometimes I don’t have any idea what the hell to do to cheer him up. Maybe he needs meds, maybe he needs sleep, maybe he needs to eat something every once in a while. I’m so used to living with him by now it’s just hard to come home every night and sleep in my own bed when I’m used to falling asleep next to him. I miss him when he’s not around. Of course, everyone knows that.

I don’t know what to do.