We Need To Talk About Your Performance

Yes we do! God we need to talk about this. You always make a way and have a plan; I really need you to let me in on it. You have been doing a great job for me so far.

The day started good when I got a voicemail from someone I met 1 time in June of 2018, at a rehab facility. He called and told me we met 1 time a few years ago and ask me to call him, he needs my help. I had to check my notes, yes we did meet. That feels nice, I guess I made a good impression that 1 visit 4 years ago. Then it all went downhill.

I tell on myself; I fell asleep and missed 2 mandatory staff meetings today. My boss appreciated my honesty when I emailed her to enter sick time, and she noticed I was not present. I got the we need to talk about this reply email. I cried like a 5-year-old whose dog just got hit by a car in front of them.

I always have good performance at work; every other area in life can be a shit show but I am always hard at work. Not today! Not for a while. I told her I was not happy with my performance lately either. I feel like I have not been able to get ahead of anything since I was admitted to the hospital with Madelyn. I have been in constant survival mode.

I am not giving my best at work, at home with Madelyn, to my friends, to God, or to myself. I am only one person; I cannot do everything myself. My bible study instructor text me today also to tell me about another study in the fall. I am trying to get myself together.

We need a plan for this God. I think I am emotionally bankrupt, I let him suck me dry. Grieving 40 years of your life takes a lot of energy too. Can I get a paid summer vacation? Come back to adulting in September? Push the rest button on the Nintendo? Try again!

Something has to give but I don’t know how to fix this. I kind of need to work, I have a mortgage to pay and kid to feed. His $200 a month doesn’t cover half her childcare cost. Do you know he really said, “I could have fought to not pay child support and could have asked for alimony?” Are you for real? You only have half a man card now; you want to give that away too? Maybe he doesn’t even have half of one. Forgive me Jesus I am in a mood. I voluntarily reduced his child support because I know what it cost to live in that house and how much money he makes. I did all the budgeting and bill paying. I did it for the children!! Jerk!! I don’t care about my shoes and I can paint my own damn toenails.