My Open Diary

I don’t live in La La Land all the time, but I do enjoy it there. La La Land is a mystical, magical place where iron lobsters and unicorns have pillow fights under happy tress; it is truly innocent.

Back to reality! In real life my name is Sarah Jane, that is what my mom would yell at me when I was in trouble. I don’t think I got in trouble that often; I tried to stay out of the way and not be noticed.  If you asked me 6 years ago, I would not have imagined being here right now; but here I am giving purpose to my pain. I still don’t have much of a plan.

I am also known as Mad B’s mom or Honey! My ex-husband never called me by my name, he always called me Honey. We were off and on for almost half of my life; living in that toxic environment really traumatizes the brain. Baby steps in the healing process, we are looking for progress not perfection. We got back together when my stepson was 2 months old, and he learned my name was Honey. It never went away, his preschool teacher called me Honey. He is 11 now and his mom calls me Honey. His mom and I took him to the Caves game last night. I have never been a basketball fan, but that Kevin Love might just change my mind; he is just so dreamy! I forgot my mom status the other day playing a game of horse with my stepson. We were using my daughters pink Little Tikes basketball hoop; he told me we both got H. O. I started singing there some Hoes in this house. I am the cool stepmom now; he ratted me out to his mom as soon as she picked him up lol. I am not perfect.

Mad B is my beautiful baby girl, she is not a baby anymore, she is a toddler now, 2 years old. Time flies, once it is gone you can’t get it back. Choose wisely who you give your time to. Her name is Madelyn Arzanna-Douglas, I picked Madelyn one day while sitting in church.  Madelyn is a variation of Madeline or Madeleine, Greek for “high tower.” Madeleine is the French form of Magdalene, as in Mary Magdalene of the New Testament.  Arzanna is after my mom’s great grandmother and Douglas is after her paternal grandfather.

I started therapy in 2017 with the goal of saving my marriage; I was sure we had a marriage problem. I found out my husband was talking to some other girl and thought I could fix this. My therapist aka Grandpa helped me identify some of my daddy issues. After about 12 sessions he fired us from marriage therapy and agreed to see me alone. It didn’t register to me back then why we were fired. I thought there was something wrong me seeing as he wanted to work with me more.  If I could do something different, we could have a happy marriage. There was nothing wrong with me; other than who I picked as my partner. He agreed to work with me because I was willing to do work.

Maybe my ex was not the wrong partner for who I was back then; I try to find a lesson in everything. I have 2 other stepchildren who needed a mom and I know how to do that. I am a really good mom; maybe I was put there for a purpose. To be a good mom, a great mom! I am a different person now.

I did not have good positive male figures in my life growing up. I had absent, angry, inappropriate men who violated all personal boundaries.  I was just a piece of property to be used and abused and tossed to the side like yesterday’s garbage. I was powerless to stop them back then, but things are different now. I am taking my power back. I want my daughter to know her value; I want her to feel safe. I will model that for her. I didn’t do anything wrong, and I can speak my truth without guilt or shame. If you don’t like it, maybe you should not give me anything to talk about. I want her to speak up for herself if someone violates her. She is not property to trade or sell, she is not a toy to play with; she is beautiful and valuable. I will teach her better. She is a gift from God; so am I, and so are you.

There was a time I thought I though my ex-husband was so amazing, the love of my life. I was wrong! I am a licensed social worker, chemical dependency counseling assistant and a certified case manager. A college educated woman and with all my brains and all of the letters behind my name and he was able to lie, use, manipulate and abuse me for almost half my life and I had no idea. Admitting that will make you feel really foolish.

Maybe this is my purpose? I remember sitting with my Iron Lobster and saying “My husband is a terrible liar” I think I was wrong.  I think he was a master manipulator now and I missed it. If I missed it, how many other women are out there missing it to? Thinking they deserve that kind of treatment? Blaming themselves when they did nothing wrong. Maybe they don’t know the signs to look for? Maybe my story could help just one person find safety sooner?