I took another walk, that was stupid!

Why must you make me feel all my feelings? You have me crying like a girl again. I took another walk and started thinking about Madelyn. I feel a little emotionally detached from her sometimes.

I have never had a baby before so I don’t really know any better. I remember this one night in the NICU I just started crying and in that moment I wanted to let her go. She was so tiny and they were always poking at her. Taking her blood, shoving tubes down her throat. I told my ex I wondered if maybe she wasn’t supposed to be here and we were being selfish and making her suffer.

She is so healthy now I think I feel guilty for that one moment of doubt. I just felt so helpless in there. I held her every day for at least 6-8 hrs. just frozen in time in that chair. One night I was alone with her and I called the nurse in several times to keep suctioning her breathing tube(she was new to the NICU and was being trained that night) I could tell something was not right.

All her alarms started going off and they ran in and pulled her off me. Her breathing tube had come out of place and she wasn’t getting any oxygen. I fired 2 nurses that night, I didn’t trust them anymore. The head nurse told me I couldn’t have new nurses, I looked her in the face and said  “I don’t  like you! Bring me someone else to talk to.” She looked so offended or maybe she was afraid, I didn’t care. She is lucky I didn’t shank her right there; someone call a code blue the charge nurse is bleeding out in the NICU. I got new nurses!

I waited a long time for Madelyn and everything went wrong that could go wrong. I think I prepared myself for her not to make it and detached emotionally.  I love her so much and am so grateful for her and I try not to complain. I feel cheated out of the entire pregnancy experience.

I didn’t have lady parts ripped open with her little 2 lbs. self, she popped right out with some assistance from the doctor. He is lucky he didn’t get kicked in the face. How far are you trying to get your hand in there? It felt like he was reaching in to pull teeth! No hemorrhoids which I hear is an issue sometimes, so I am thankful for that.

I didn’t really get to experience being pregnant, I had no baby shower or stupid games. I was physically alone most of the time because of COVID, always emotionally alone. 18 days on bed rest, vital checks every 4 hrs for signs of infection seeing as my cervix was 5cm dilated the entire time and being pumped full of IV Antibiotics was not super fun. So I am a little mad about the entire situation too.