Para Bellum

After those temperamental clocks steal away an hour of daylight, a certain toned down sense of the diurnal infuses me.  A stillness wraps the dusky world from four o’clock until about 6 o’clock, when the humdrum activity of distant highways steals the work-a-day world of its employees.  The leaves have turned from green to brown to windswept carpet, onomatapoeic skirts for naked trees posed like naked dancers.  And, oh, the obligations of my trifling existence are forgotten behind my bedroom door.

Agoraphobia aside, it’s amazing how a WiFi connection and OnDemand can suffice to substitute for fresh air and a personal conversation…for a time.  But I am struggling for past financial sins while combatatively paddling against the mercurial tides of academia.  How can I pay for school, I wonder, if I cannot obtain loans due to my credit rating?  How can I pay the impetus behind my poor rating, I ask, if I cannot finish school to help obtain a decent job?  You cannot escape the bottom of a hole by digging more holes, and one should remember, the only difference between a hole and a grave is what you put in it.

I readily admit to my tendency towards procrastination and arbitrary motivation being the culprit for all these situations, and I also accept responsibility for their eventual and hopeful remedy.  But I would really like to finish school, and move away to a secluded corner of Oregon.  A place equal parts moody rainstorm and endless underbrush beneath skyscraping canopy.  I have transformed an uneasy truce with who I am to a happy, stable one.  The whirlwind heartbreak of last school year no longer bears upon the present, and there is neither right nor wrong–only the consequences of your actions.

I guess, then, para bellum, and I will perform some deeds to achieve the necessary consequences.