This is what we do….
There was something momentous yet heart-breaking about putting my sons name and his new address in my address book .sigh.
Trev is the first of our boys to attempt flight. His new home will be hundreds of miles away from us in Washington DC.
AUUUUGGGHHH!
J., the love of his life is going to grad school out there, and he is following her. (She is a college grad at 19 years old ) We really like her and support their relationship but..but still. Hes LEAVING! J is originally from DC and it is home to herwhich is some comfort to me that she is familiar with the area.
But STILL. AUUUGGGHHH!
Trev is planning on taking some chef classes at a DC Jr. College until he gets residency, and then wants to get his culinary degree at the art institute out there. It is looking as though he can transfer his current job here with a restaurant chain, to the same chain in DC. So he is set up with a job, the school, and a (shared) apartment already.
And when my eyes filled with tears as I wrote his name and new address in my book, he said Awwwww, Mom ., and came over to hug me. Ill be okay. he soothed. I looked (way) up at him–I know YOULL be okay I sniffed, but I wont!
His dad, my ex, is very upset by this. At first he was going to drive out to DC with Trevto help with the move and to be a road-trip travel companion. (J. has already moved out there a couple weeks ago) But recently he has decided that Trevor is going to certainly fail in this move. He feels its too dangerous of an area to live in, the plan isnt sound enough, and he just cant condone this decision. So hes not going to even support him by driving out there with him, nor is he going to let Trev use the (small amount of) money that his grandmother gave him to use for school. On top of that, he called to suggest to me that I do the same to save Trevor from this “huge mistake” and implored me to present a united front with him of non-support.
As if.
Of course I am extremely anxious about this move that Trevor is making, but I still need to support him and have faith that he will do his best in his first attempt at independence. Trevor knows my fears, and he’s heard my views and he knows that this would not be my plan if I could design one for him. But it IS his plan, and painful as it is for me, I can only let him go with my blessings (and cautions) to try it out. If all falls apart and he cannot make a go of it–whatever the scenario, he knows he can come home and re-group. If he thrives and makes his life out there, he is a plane fare away. In the meantime, Don and I will do everything we can to help him feel positive and supported. I am not capable of shutting him off and refusing to support him because I am uncomfortable with his choice.
Trevor has asked me if I will now be the one to drive with him on his trip out to DC. He knows that he would be fine, has made this trip before, and could do it by himself, but he would like my company.
We are leaving on Monday for the two-day drive. We will spend a couple days with my sister in Nashville (Wheeee! How fun!), then Trev and I will go up to D.C. from there. After I help them move in and set up, I will fly home and leave my fledgling in his new nest
I cant stand this. I know this is what we do…but how do people STAND this?
AUUUGGGHHH!
xo
Adagio
*Big hugs* Nothing else you can do- but offer love & support & plenty of prayers! I wish the best for him – and you, as you go through the transition. Your philosophy is much better than his father’s! He can always come back…
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Both of mine have flown the nest and while they are both close, it’s still very odd to know they are out there in the big, wide world. Even more so the fact that they now have lives that really don’t include us. THAT was the hardest thing for me. My kids & I are tight at ticks, but it’s just different when they are living on their own. Gah! I can’t explain it correctly.
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*huge hugs* I’m so proud of you. 🙂 You can do this!`
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…I’m glad you added the part about her being a college grad at 19! That was a bigger shock! 🙂 I can’t imagine being so far away but you know things will be fine. As you said…it’s just a plane trip away. DC is a fun place to be though expensive. You’re going to have an awesome road trip with wonderful memories. Enjoy yourselves. The first to go is always the hardest. You’ll survive.
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…and screw the ex…figuratively of course! Doesn’t he realize that he doesn’t have any say so now…except that he seems to be dangling some money. What an ass. He could have changed his rep if he’d made a better choice…to support…not deter.
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You’ll be fine… you’ll be there for him… he’ll only be more distant in geography, not in heart.
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Hmm.. the first time I left home, it lasted about four months, and then I felt comfortable returning to my parents’ home and regrouping. That was such an important safety net, whether or not I had needed it. Good for you for doing this for him.. and with him!
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There’s nothing wrong with risking failure. Impossible to succeed without risk. your ex is just frightened. poor ex. But poor you, too. I will be bereft when my girl leaves home (she’s already thinking about an art school in New York). Wish you could stop by here on your way. Another time. I’m glad you can keep him company.
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I hear you, it’s hard seeing your kids go off on their own, but satisfying too in a way.
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I’m absolutely dreading the day when one of my girls flies the coop! But we do have to keep in mind that our offspring have their own lives to live, their own choices and decisions to make (of course, I know that you know that!! lol )…..which is all that we can do, isn’t it?… plus make the cautions you mention, cross our fingers that we have instilled the sense they need to thrive but also..
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(cont)..be sure they know that our doors are always, always open. Ah, I do feel for you, Adagio….but hang in there, babe. He’s doing what he is meant to do. You know what? I bet that you are going to have one heck of a road trip! Enjoy it all and travel safe!! ((((((((Adagio))))))))
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(cont)……oh, and a pox on the ex, the fool. Hmmph.
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What a testament to your successful parenting that he wants you to go with. You will be fine, don’t worry. It does have its upside, really! (less mess and laundry and groceries). But there is really no reduction in cost, since you will be sending money…….
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Oh I can easily imagine how sad you feel. Let him know that if it fails he can always come back. He should know that he can talk freely with you about how he feels after having lived there for a few months. As a parent we cannot do much if our children start to build their own future. We can advice and assist them but we often cannot stop their fantastic plans. Like we, ourselves, they also have
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lessons to learn. Sometimes those lessons are hard and we will be there to dry the tears. If we stop them before they ever try something they will tell us years later that “we” were the obstacle why they were not able to achieve their aim! I wish you much strenght! Love,
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DC is a wonderful town to visit…
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I hear you, hon! It is SO hard, but it is what is right (they must flap/fly on their own) and what is good (they will be fine, I suspect). Notice, I say “they”? Teenster moved out today; living with a friend and going to community college while he awaits to hear back from the other schools to which he’s applied.
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ryn: noooo…. that’s not what I’m saying at all! Stop fretting, Mom! (like that’s possible). I lived there five years and loved it. LOVED IT. Wandered the streets alone and night many times and didn’t feel unsafe. There are so many wonderful aspects to and parts of the city. He’ll be fine 🙂
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((hugs)) you’ll survive it somehow, we always do, I don’t know how, but we do. Lizzie is 4 hours away, I can’t stand it, my son is 5 hours away, sigh. I think I need to move. 🙂
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The surest way to learn in life is to live it. Even as they are our children, even as we hold our breath, beg for protection, and close our eyes and leap all of this is meant to be. Have faith, mom. Whatever will be will be. Breathe. LYMMMMM!
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I’ve seen a lot of parents do that “we dont approve” act, and pull funding and emotional support a lot. that’s a power trip. We just dont know what’s right for someone, we can guess, we can go on what the odds are, but you just cant know. So supporting his choice and letting him make a go of it because it’s his adult decision sounds like the wisest course of action. How? Trust yourself and him.
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which is not to say this is easy at all! 400 characters doesnt let me say it well, but I think starting from a place where you trust your own wisdom is the best place to stay focused. I havent a clue how else to really do it, but staying focused really helps me when I have to go through anything really major. You’re such a great mom, thanks for your example.
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As always you are a wise woman – and a sensitive one too. You will miss him so much but at least retain your positive, supportive relationship. I hope you had a wonderful trip and he succeeds at his dreams and relationship. He’s had very good role models in you and Don. Hugs and kisses, R
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I will be in St. Louis 1/9/06-1/12/06, If you are going through there It would be cool to have lunch or dinner depending on when you drive through. I’ll call. BRO
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This gives me a better taste of how my mom must have felt, and I wasn’t even that far away. I wish you him (and you!) the best. I believe you are making the right decision (of course). You are a wonderful mother.
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The update info will come by snail mail.
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oh, you’ll have such a wonderful, wonderful time with your son on this trip to help him get moved. you and he will never forget this. it’s really too bad that your ex doesn’t “get it.” but that means he’s the one who is missing out on this special time. the wonderful thing is that you’ve prepared your son for the world, and and he knows that you’re only a phone call (and airplane flight) away.
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Oh, I can imagine the pain of having him leave. I’ve told my son he can live with me forever 🙂 (I doubt he’ll want to though). Your ex is a real piece of work! My sister and BIL live just outside of DC proper. I’d be happy to provide you with their phone number to give Trev, should he need any assistance in an emergency or whatever. xo
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So hard to watch him go so far away. Sorry, Adagio. But you’re doing the right thing in being supportive. The trip should be fun, though 🙂 Lots of cool, artsy stuff in D.C. – maybe you can enjoy a couple days there? And lots of great ODers, not sure who you read – Pola (artist), Gym Rat, Lincoln and more. We’ll need a report here, of course 🙂 xxoo,
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Wish son (and love of life) and U all very best!
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*sniffle* 🙂 *hugs!* Be well,
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This eems so difficult, Adagio. When my niece left home we felt some comfort because she was going to be living on campus, but on school breaks when she was home I asked her to tell me her best stories. Several of her stories were adventures slightly hair-raising. When I sucked in my breath she reminded me of several stories my family tells about me during that same age. Jeesh. Hugs, m’dear.
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