Suddenly, My Resolutions Seem Silly

2020 was supposed to be so much more.
I’m sure this isn’t the case for just me, but for everyone. Nobody could have anticipated a viral outbreak that would keep some contained in their homes for weeks to months at a time, and nobody could have anticipated that those who were labeled “essential” would need to put their health at risk every day in order to continue providing services that were also essential. It is with cautious optimism that my fellow healthcare providers go to work each day, afraid, yet thankful to still be earning a paycheck. This is more than many of my other friends could say. My friend who is a travel agent from Virginia, or my cousin who owns her own salon, or my father-in-law who continues to run his own dojo but had to abruptly cease all function and learn to teach over the internet are only three of the affected individuals of thousands who have been plagued by… well. The plague.

Hey. At least I think I’m funny.
That’s another matter, entirely. My father-in-law. Do I still call him my ‘father-in-law’? Or my ‘ex-father-in-law’? He’s been the closest thing I’ve had to a father, really, to the point that it hurts to call him anything less than ‘dad’. A separation after a 10 year relationship is the other big thing that this new year had in store for me, pending divorce as soon as normal functions proceed. I wonder how many others will flock to the courthouse to file for a divorce after having been stuck with their significant other in quarantine for so long? I read something, somewhere, that divorce rates in China nearly doubled when society ‘opened up’ again. This doesn’t surprise me, though it is sad. Ours isn’t just another ‘quarantine divorce’. Ours is something that’s been a long time coming as I try to deal with my codependency issues that were driving me to the brink of depression and, at points, even suicidal thoughts with little to no reception from him. We’ve been separated since early February, and it seems that he’s already moved on – which is fine. He has every right, and I don’t have the right to be upset over it since I’m the one that decided that a split was necessary for my own mental health and happiness. I could digress into other reasons, but I’m afraid this entry would be much longer than I’m willing to type. Maybe that will be a post for another time.
Still, though, social distancing is very difficult when for the first time in your life you are completely, and utterly alone.
I still have much to do before I’ll consider myself to have resumed any bit of ‘normalcy’. I need to be cleared from my shoulder injury to resume working at the hospital – hopefully this will happen this coming week. Working will give me purpose again, maybe, and will keep me from Facebook stalking him and feeling internally sore at how happy he seems. This perplexes me. I explicitly stated that I wanted him to be happy so… why don’t I want him to be happy? Or, why does his happiness hurt? I digress. I also need to finish this class strong. I’ve only got one week left before I take my final, then I’ll take an 8 week break to get my act together so I can move apartments and get my work schedule in order before I begin my practicum. This will certainly keep my mind occupied, as well, but I’d like to finish school strong. Five more classes to go.
The apartment seems oddly quiet without our goof of a dog running about. He’s taking Charlie with him, and I’m keeping the cat who is good enough company. He’s a good listener as long as he’s got food for payment.
I think today is hard because it was his birthday. He’s been telling me about how he doesn’t have anyone to talk to and how nobody is there for him. The three people he’s been living with (who were mutual friends) threw him a big party and the girl that he’s been spending time with was there, too. He was smiling. He looked happy. I was happy for him that he did have people to talk to and celebrate with, and that he did have people who were there for him, despite what he tells me. Meanwhile, I’ve not seen another human being in well over a month with the exception of being swabbed, myself, for Covid-19. I’m normally an introvert, but was particularly talkative with the staff at the clinic. The nurse didn’t seem too interested in talking, so that conversation didn’t go far. As a nurse, I understand. One has a job to do.
I think my resolution has changed to – survive, sanity intact.
Maybe heal. Healing sounds good, but I also know that this takes time.
Take it day-by-day.
Stop comparing myself to other people – even if the girl he’s found himself with is a prettier version of myself who also happens to be into nerdy things and is a registered nurse is in graduate school to become a nurse practitioner, too. Sounds familiar.
Maybe I’ll delete Facebook for awhile.