A Reluctant Rant

I hate writing negative things in my journal. I love to write, and have written a lot of things I’m proud of. I like to describe my entry-writing as “PRN” or in nurse-speak, ‘as needed’. It’s not something I want to commit to on a regular basis because I know myself, and I know I’ll be disappointed when my desired writing schedule falls through because of life’s many obligations. So, when I feel as though I have something meaningful to say or document, or if I’m simply feeling a sense of (sit on the back porch with my journal and hot tea while it’s raining) whimsy. Sometimes, this leads to stretches where it seems as though my entire journal is a ‘woe-is-me’ documentary of my life. Today, unfortunately, will be no different – as there is something that’s really getting under my skin.

I know this won’t be the first case of ‘my husband doesn’t get along with my mother’ that’s ever existed, but this is probably the first case I’ve heard of where I just don’t understand why. He, objectively, has no reason to dislike her. They’ve never truly had any real arguments or disagreements – I would tack on ‘that I’m aware of’, but I live two hours from my mother, and they never speak to each other when I’m not around. Hell, even when I go visit her he stays home. Mom has come to me asking what she’s done to upset him and how come he doesn’t want to talk to her or get to know her – but he seems to be this way with my entire family. I never have a good answer for her, or the rest of them. I always use the excuse ‘Oh. He’s working today’ during major holidays, thankful that he’s a cop and that I could use that excuse because, well, public service never rests. When I ask him about it, I try to approach it gently stating things like, “I’m her only child – and she raised me as a single parent. Of course she’s going to want to get to know the person I chose to spend my life with.” His response is never truly explanatory but is always preceded with, “I don’t hate your mother.” I don’t expect him to go out of his way – in fact, I never do. I don’t want to make him uncomfortable. That being said, she is important to me and calls me sometimes with questions about her medications and to catch up since we live a few hours apart – I’d say we talk 2-3 times a week on average for maybe 10-20 minutes at a time. Nothing excessive by any stretch of the imagination.

Now, to the part that has upset me. My mother has a planned surgery that would require a couple-night’s stay within the hospital that I work. Since it was scheduled for early in the morning, she drove the two hours to our place to stay the night so that I could bring her in for the procedure the next morning. My husband didn’t say anything to her the entire night. Not a, “Hello Julie”, or a, “Good luck on your procedure tomorrow”, or not even a “Goodnight” or “Goodbye” before she left. He stayed in the spare room, going out of his way to avoid her altogether. He’s got the next three days without work obligations, and after asking him, he has no other plans. I waited at the hospital through the pre-operative, intra-operative, and post-operative processes because I want to be here for her. I helped her compile her medication list to bring in for admission, and take her two pre-surgery hibiclens showers because I want to be here for her, and because she needs help with a lot of it. That’s not to say that I am expecting my husband to give my mother a shower – that would be weird – but I’m trying to stress that this is no small process. With memory loss and other health issues, she does require help. Not once during her stay so far has he called or texted to see how it was going or how she was doing. I don’t even think I’m asking for a lot from him besides a little more than blatant disregard for her existence. She’ll be staying with us a few days once she’s discharged, which I’m sure will be another few days where he will ignore her, and me. I likely won’t see him at all.

In trying to dissect the situation, I know he’s not a ‘people’ person. He’s not incredibly social. However, I think that a simple, ‘hello’, ‘goodbye’, or ‘good-luck’ is part of common courtesy – something that even a toddler can manage in their lack of understanding of general manners and etiquette. I’m sort of at a loss, and I’m frustrated. I don’t mind being the sole caregiver for my mother – it’s just that I wish my husband would at least pretend to give a damn and not be so apathetic toward everyone.