12/20/2012

i don’t know if love is forever. we’re not built that way.

i recently read an article on masculinity, illness and weapons and the role these three things play in mass shootings. the article was a good read. men are raised to be violent. men are taught that if they can’t physically defend themselves, they aren’t of any value. men are taught that violence is the answer to simple problems. i don’t think men are taught or encouraged to express their feelings through any other way except violence. as i read through the comments on this article, one particular comment about a "lack of masculinity" was the problem and we’d all be okay if we married young and gave our lives to god.

i think for so long christianity has taught society that we must be involved with people. we can’t have sex without marriage. we have to get married and have families and be with one person forever because monogamy is the only way. society has taught us that people who never marry or have kids are somehow lacking something fundamental that all functional people need.

but i don’t think so.

men especially are genetically inclined to spread their seed (gross term, sorry) as many places as possible because the more times you have sex, the better your chances for offspring. women are looking for protection, for the strongest chance of a healthy baby, so we’re looking for healthy, dominant men. but i think women’s rights shifted things. i think women’s rights have uprooted everything.

i have dated some incredible people. i’m not going to pretend that at 24 i’m resigning myself to never finding a partner, but i don’t know if i will and i don’t know if it’s me or society or men.

men are not the same as they used to be. there’s a huge difference between the men in my dad’s generation and the men in my generation. eric didn’t understand the importance of a job and was comfortable with me running things and paying for everything. alan is also okay with me being dominant financially. even my brother, who is working on his doctorate, doesn’t seem to have the drive to support himself. brad is completely content rolling all the advice and lessons about cars and building houses off his shoulders. i would kill for my dad to teach me anything that is tangible because, to me, those are necessary skills. i want to be capable of fixing my own things. i want to be okay without someone’s help. i want to know that if shit goes sour with the government or the economy, i have skills that i can actually use.

i don’t want a man to take care of me. i don’t want someone’s money. when i push alan (or in the past, eric) about money, he gets defensive and throws a, "oh, it’s all about money, isn’t it?" the answer is both "yes" and "no". i don’t want someone to lavish me with presents. i don’t want to be spoiled. i want someone who understands finances. i want to be taken out on dates without feeling bad about asking to be taken out because i’ve paid for most of the dates. i want someone who understands that as sad as it is, it is ALL about money because money allows you to make changes. money allows you to pack up and move. money allows you to finish school. money is the key to moving out and paying bills and socializing.

i feel so different than most people in my generation. sure, we can talk about art and history and music, but i want more than that. it’s something that stands out the most between me and alan. alan is fine with spending all of his money in trendy bars with expensive drinks and discussing all the tiny details about every underground artist ever, but i don’t know if he understands what real life is. that’s not the best way to describe it and it makes me sound like an asshole, but it’s a common trend i’m finding with guys my age. they have this and they want to get there but they’re wasting away the time between because they don’t want to actually work to get anywhere. they just expect it to show up.

i feel like being in my twenties is so scary. when i read old entries, even in this entry, i have so many "i don’t knows" and it’s because i’m realizing quickly that i don’t know anything.

i don’t mean to bash men here, either. i think most women are just as worthless. i listen to conversations at bars and grocery stores and i’m usually frustrated because people aren’t talking about anything. people aren’t talking to each other, we’re losing the ability to connect, we’re losing ourselves, and i feel like no one cares. i feel out of touch.

this is why i question a degree: degrees are different now. everyone has one. everyone NEEDS one. i have basically been taught that i am destined to fail if i don’t have a degree. i’ve been taught that everything i could possibly need to succeed can be taught to me in four years and i can walk out with a general degree and be armed to succeed. but i know stupid people with degrees. i know talentless, unsocial, and poorly informed people who have somehow managed to graduate.

i felt like my education at csu was super valuable. i felt like the open minded atmosphere catered to learning and i loved it. when i went to school down here, i was shocked in my freshmen classes. i felt like i was being herded into huge classes. i felt like i was being taught bullshit and everyone was simply cramming and printing off entire powerpoint slides to scrape by between binge drinking. i felt like everyone was trying to fuck everyone and no one really gave a fuck that we’re here to learn and we’re here because we’re trying to better ourselves and, in turn, better society.

i finally realized that no one cares, ever. people don’t care about feelings. people don’t care about literature. people don’t care about helping other people. people only care about money and power. humans are inherently selfish and i am tired of feeding the machine.

i am tired of ridiculously high tuition fees that support athletic programs. i am tired of corporations. i am tired of power and greed. i’m tired of the general lack of respect everywhere. i am sick of technology and laziness and apathy. i am tired of america. don’t get offended, but I AM TIRED OF AMERICA. i am tired of our lack of respect for other nations and cultures. i don’t want to be lied to. i don’t want to have to vote for people who don’t give a fuck about anything other than money and power. i am tired of living in a country that is the biggest corporation in the world. please understand that i understand that i am so lucky to have rights. i am lucky to vote. i have a quality of life that most people in the world could never mentally grasp. i am an attractive white woman. i know how fortunate i am. it’s not unpatriotic to denounce bullshit. it’s not unpatriotic to want something better for the country i live in.

if you made it this far, i’m sorry for the rant. it sort of came out of nowhere.