12/19/2012

dear eric,

it’s weird to pull up to the apartment in mid december to meet you to go over cleaning stuff before move out. it’s weird to see the awesome christmas lights next door. it’s weird to think that this time last year things were so different. i remember sitting on the porch and looking at the lights. i remember moving and how excited we both were and how we both thought it was going to work out perfectly.

you meet me and i’m frazzled and you tell me to calm down and you give me a hug. i’m surprised this is all going so well because we haven’t been on the best of terms lately.

break ups are never graceful. there’s no beautiful way to back out of something that’s been broken for months. there’s no simple way to tell someone who loves you so much that you don’t love him. i held on too long. i hurt you more than i should’ve and i was unkind to you, but i have a tendency to push people until they break to see what happens after everything shatters.

you were so much more gentle than i ever thought you would be. i was looking for someone rougher, someone tough and argumentative. i was looking for something to push back and fight. maybe that will you be one day. maybe you are different. i won’t ever know and that’s okay.

you are still so beautiful and i can remember what it felt to wake up and watch you breathe. there are things you can never push away and the way i felt when i saw you, the way i felt when i had you, the way i felt before we moved in together…i can’t ever forget that. i still look at babies and wonder what ours would’ve looked like.

it’s my own fault. i shouldn’t have been out to change you. but i couldn’t help it. you are manipulative in a way that’s convincing and easy. looking at you is enough to make people trust you. you are open minded and curious and smarter than you think. if you get a grip on things you can be anything. seriously. i wanted to take you from everything that made you the way you were. i think i wanted you to be everything i wanted you to be and i’m sorry for that.

i don’t know how to be any different. i don’t know how to not be vengeful and sneaky and manipulative. i don’t know how to not be insecure and question things until i find a tiny discrepancy. i don’t know how to fix any of it and when i roll it around in my head, i calculate that knowing how faulted i am somehow evens everything out. i’m sorry that you had to deal with everything that i should’ve been dealing with.

when i give you the keys to turn in at the end of the month, i’ll be closing a big chapter in my life. there are times i still wish we were together. there are times i catch glimpses of our first date. there are times i can’t shake you and what happened between us. i know i am not easy to be with. i know i will be alone forever. thank you for everything you put up with and the impact you had on my life.

love, me

it’s not that i’m not happy with where i am, i’ve just always had trouble closing doors (hello, heath). it also makes me sad because another year has gone by. i’m twenty four. i don’t like how quickly it all goes.

i am happy. i’m finally back to a weight i’m comfortable with after being sick for a week and a half. wooo sickness before the holidays! my friends are all in town and i’ll be able to catch up. christmas is coming up and i’m shopping and donating money to salvation army and picking out colors for my new place. i’m looking for a dog, checking into classes and learning how to do a smokey eye look without looking cracked out.

i’m nervous about the alan thing but i’ve put everything in my name and i know that if push comes to shove, alan can always move back into the apartment next door. i know that sometimes if there’s nervousness before something happens, it’s not a good idea. but i am so afraid of commitment that i get nervous before i buy things at the grocery store. i’m nervous about painting my nails because of the commitment it requires. i don’t do well with commitment and i’m trying to pretend that i can fit myself into whatever mold i should be fitting myself into because i want to be able to live with someone. i want to believe that i can be a partner in a relationship and not destroy everything. i want to stop attacking and pushing and i do so less with alan because he fights me back and he is so close to perfect.

i don’t know what it is that i am so dissatisfied with. i feel beautiful most days. i am healthy and smart and i have a decent job. i feel immensely guilty about not having a degree. i know i should have one. i know i need one. but do i need one? why do i need one? for me? for my dad? for society? i can’t figure out if that’s what i need but i can’t let it go and i can’t commit to classes. i can’t commit to degrees and homework. i don’t know how to commit to people or things or ideas. i can’t stick anywhere.