11/11/2013

at some point, the things that meant everything to you, the things that defined you, change.

there are things i thought would never change. there were things that i thought were integral to who i was as a person.

my family, my past, my friends, where i grew up, my values.

the person i was at 18 would be horrified at my current self. my parents are divorced, i’m dating two people and sleeping with both of them, my friends are temporary and all i can remind myself is adaptability is the only way to progress.

most days i feel like i’m flying through a bunch of clouds in an airplane. visibility fades as you fly between clouds and things get bumpy, but it’s okay because things are only temporary. there are never any more high highs or low lows. i don’t have end all downs. i am fortunate and grateful and i am making things happen.

there’s bryce and i want it to be right but i don’t know if i’m ready. he is perfect and i feel undeserving. i want nights on his porch in the two person sleeping bag. i want camping trips and concerts and nice dinners. i want his big blue eyes on me. i want his lips on my neck, his hands on my hips, his logical approach to everything. he listens and he doesn’t have issues and i’m halfway expecting the ball to drop, but i know it won’t because this is the kind of man you are if you’ve had a loving, stable life. he has a pilot’s license and a degree in physics. he has a bike building hobby and nice calves. he is good in bed and i think there’s room to grow. he’s expressive and open with compliments. there is so much potential if i allow it.

there’s mark, too. mark pales in comparison and i can’t let him go but i need to. it’ll happen soon because it has to and it’s not fair to divide my feelings between them.

it’s bryce and the way his eyes light up when he says, "what are you doing for your birthday?"

i explain that i may hang alone because i don’t want to give either of my parents my actual birthday and i’m freaked out about turning 25 and i’d honestly prefer to drink red wine until i pass out alone in my apartment.

"i’d love to take you out for your birthday!" he exclaims and i can’t say anything other than yes.

when we talk about doing stuff, he always phrases it that way. like he’s taking me places. like he’s taking care of me.

and i like it.

a lot. because i missed that and it’s been a really long time since i haven’t had to take care of someone. he drives everywhere and pays for things and isn’t rude or pushy. there’s always music playing, he is always asking if he can do anything for me.

there’s more to him and i want to talk about things i would’ve normally already talked about but i’m trying to be composed and more proper.

no more smoking. i’ve gone running the last two days. i am eating a little bit better and trying to get things back in order. i want my brain to work. i want to be able to have normal conversations and write things the way i used to. i want to be in touch. i have been out of touch with reality for the last two months at least because i’ve always been high. i wasn’t ready to deal with alan or mark or myself. mostly myself.

can’t run forever and it’s easy to pretend that weed isn’t a big deal because it’s not a big deal until you’re smoking because you are running from yourself.

i’m going to work it out.