10/18/2013

i haven’t written any crazy mark stories, so here’s one from last night.

what i didn’t mention in the last entry because i was trying to save some face is that mark is basically living with me. it hasn’t really bothered me but it’s starting to wear. he hasn’t offered me any money, he doesn’t help clean up, he’s kind of messy. he doesn’t have a car. while he doesn’t ask for rides, i offer which is stupid but it makes no sense to me to have him walk if i could take him. especially when we’re getting along.

the last few nights have been weird. we’re on this seemingly one good day to one bad day ratio thing. we watched movies and cuddled and he whispered tipsy sentiments in my ear on wednesday night after punching a hole in my wall tuesday night.

so, last night.

i go to pick mark up from work around midnight, when he told me to be there. i know sometimes they don’t get out as early as they anticipate and i always assume i’ll be there for a bit. it’s not a big deal. i like being where i work. i can drink wine. i can hang out. i see people i like. i’m supposed to be going to a workout camp most mornings and i haven’t been going often since i’ve been hanging with mark. it’s at 6 and it’s pretty intense so i like to crash for at least a little while. we stayed at the bar for an hour. mark was out fairly early, but he hung around and took shots and it really frustrated me.

when we got into the car i tried to talk to him about his day and he focused most of his energy on his phone. he didn’t ask how my day was. he didn’t ask how i was. he didn’t thank me for picking him up from work and buying him a six pack. i’m house sitting for my mom this weekend and i needed to get my cat and some workout stuff before i headed to my mom. when we pulled up to my place, mark was like, "i don’t need to get out, right?"

the answer was I NEED YOUR HELP BECAUSE THERE’S A LOT OF STUFF TO CARRY AND YOU KNOW THIS, but i figured that was obvious.

"no."

so i struggled to carry everything out and when i was starting to put some music on in my car, mark took my ipod from me and put his phone in to put his music on. IN MY CAR.

i am not a music hog. i don’t care if people put their music on in my car. mark plays his music and tells me how terrible my music is all the time. i don’t usually give two fucks.

he’s always like this. he is always taking from me. he doesn’t pay for anything. he is living at my place. he is mean to me when he drinks. the sex isn’t very good. he thinks i am simple. he thinks i don’t see the games and the way he tries to work his way into my head, but i see it all.

this is a time i am grateful for my horrible relationship with heath. i’m happy it happened when it did. i’m happy it was early enough to save me the trouble of this shit as i got older. i’m happy that i can pinpoint things now.

meanwhile in my car, mark puts a song on and i turn the music down and tell him he’s really frustrating me. i had a smile on my face and i was trying to keep it as lighthearted as possible because i really didn’t want to fight.

i explained that i didn’t want to stay at work as long as we did. i explained that i feel like he sometimes takes advantage of me and is inconsiderate. he told me that if i wanted to leave, i should’ve said something. he’s right. i should’ve. i should’ve communicated that i was ready to leave and i should’ve told him i needed his help. he’s completely valid.

i told him that and then i also told him that it wasn’t entirely my fault, because it’s not. i generally think that if you’re living with someone and that person is paying for everything and you do absolutely nothing, maybe you should do something. maybe you should put forth more effort. i think those kinds of things are obvious.

but he kept telling me i was in the wrong. that i am the issue. that i am causing all of the problems all the time. as the conversation began to escalate, i backed down. mark was drunk and there isn’t any reason to argue with a drunk person. i asked him questions about the conversation that we’d had the night before, the basis of which was feelings and how we felt about each other. i couldn’t remember everything that was said because i was half asleep and i asked him to clarify. he wouldn’t so we pulled into my mom’s and i took all the stuff out of the car alone while he sat in the passenger seat on his phone.

i went inside, took a shower, put things away, walked out to see if he was out in the car still. he was and i went back inside. about thirty minutes passed and i went outside. he wasn’t there i called him and he texted me back that he was on the phone. about thirty minutes later i went to sleep.

i woke up alone this morning with a text from mark that said, "thanks". i immediately called him and he denied my call. when i walked out of the bedroom, he was standing there, furious at me.

apparently it’s my fault that he slept in the car. the door to the house was open. he just decided to stay in his car because of the argument.

so why is that my fault? because i didn’t beg him to come in? because i didn’t feel bad about the situation? there are several couches and two other beds inside. he knows that. but it’s still my fault that he got a terrible sleep.

he continued on about how everything is my fault. i am crazy. i am demanding.

but i’m not. i’ve only asked mark to tell me if he sleeps with anyone else and to respect my stuff. that’s it!

there was a time in my life i thought that heath ruined everything in our relationship. i’m not trying to downplay that heath was a HUGE fucktard because he is, but there were stupid things i did all the time that fueled the fire. i was always trying to fight. i was always blaming him. i got in a wreck one night because i left heath’s place drunk and angry and begged to come back in. he wouldn’t let me in and i drove home and hit a light post. it wasn’t heath’s fault. it was my fault for losing my temper and leaving his place thinking he’d come after me. it was my fault for getting in my car and driving.

it’s not an easy thing to realize that you are the problem. it’s scary and depressing. it makes you change everything. i used to get so flustered with heath. i remember trying to manipulate him and make him feel really bad for things he didn’t do. i always thought he was too mean or too harsh, but why? because he wasn’t begging me for things or kneeling at my feet? because he didn’t give me exactly what i wanted all the time?

because he didn’t give me what i wanted all the time.

i would throw fits. they look a lot like what mark does but less drunk.

mark is in a world where he’s allowed himself to become the biggest everything. he is dramatic and self righteous and pompous but he denies all of it. i’m guessing he normally dates girls with similar substance abuse problems and based on what i’ve heard, they argue with him and police show up and it’s a shit show.

i am grateful to heath because he forced me to learn self control.

i can’t explain to you how proud i am of myself for simply walking away from mark when he’s angry. i don’t argue. i am set on compromise.

if you’re worried, don’t be. i’m not hanging around for much longer. i’m pushed about as far as i can

go.

people are funny. people are weird. this is why i love people.