09/28/2013

I’m in Lubbock on Brad’s porch on the coolest and clearest night in months.

i am single and brad is too and sometimes it’s weird the way things work out.

it has been the most stressful week. I broke up with Alan. I’ve watched him stumble drunkenly in and out of my work for the last week and I wondered how he was going to pull through until something absolutely horrible happened to him early Friday morning. I went into work late Thursday night for a glass of wine. Barbaro is literally three blocks from Alan’s place and he gets half off drinks, so I assumed he’d still come in often even though we weren’t together. He came in, drunk, had a shot and a beer and headed out. I was in my car at this point and I watched him hop on his bike and fall off three or four times. I didn’t try to help him. I’d done a decent job of keeping the space and I wasn’t about to stop, especially because the last time I tried to speak to him at barbaro he wound up walking away screaming "fuck you!"

so I let him fall. I went back into work to hang out with my coworkers but I had a weird feeling. Fast forward to the next morning. I was heading out of town when I got a barrage of texts followed by a phone call from Alan. He was in the hospital. I don’t know what happened between midnight and seven, but Alan was assaulted. He lost three teeth. His eyes were swollen shut. It was fucking terrible. So bad. He has no recollection of anything. He doesn’t know how he got to he hospital or where they found him.

there have been a few times I’ve really questioned myself as a human. The last time was a few years ago when I drove home drunk on the highway and threw up out my window and I had no idea how I got home. I couldn’t even remember any of it Andi couldn’t believe I had been so careless and irresponsible. Thursday night was the second time. I don’t know why I didn’t get out help him initially. I don’t know why I didn’t chain his bike up and take him home. He lives so close and it’s a safe neighborhood and I assumed he’d either fall a few more times on the way home or get off and walk his bike.

i feel like I caused this. I feel guilty on top of already feeling immensely guilty for disgracefully ending things.

because I ended things in the worst way possible with someone who loved me wholly and completely. I severed the ties so brutally and unfairly because I am a shitty fucking person.

last week I went hiking and ended up at a swimming hole with mark, one of my coworkers. We went to a bar after and got super drunk and ended up back at my place. Mark left his bike and when Alan came to get his stuff, mark’s bike was at my place. I broke up with Alan the day after the thing with mark happened because I promised myself that after everything that happened in April I wouldn’t treat Alan the way I had. I wouldn’t lead him on while I felt out other options. 

Because I don’t deserve someone like Alan. I don’t deserve unconditional love. I don’t deserve love notes and pulling out chairs and sweet kisses in the morning. I don’t know why I wasn’t happy with everything I thought I wanted.