09/08/2013

lately i’ve been watching people more than usual. i’ve been asking more questions than i usually do. i’m trying to figure out who is happiest because i wan’t to incorporate specific things into my life that i find happy people have in common. sure, it’s different for everyone, but there have to be some commonalities.

what i’ve figured out so far is no one i know is very happy. when i brought this up to my mom, she said, "well you know no one is happy all of the time."

and she’s right. life is hard, right?

but why does it have to be that way? why is life always described as difficult? why are we supposed to toil? i think part of has to do with religion and part of it has to do with choices.

marriage too early, marriage for the wrong reasons, working shitty jobs, money, too much work, stress. i don’t want to make those mistakes. some of them are unavoidable.

i’ve been asking myself why i would follow in the steps i’m being pushed into constantly when NO ONE WHO MADE THOSE CHOICES IS HAPPY NOW.

oh, and lame tom texted me last night.

for the first time in years.

literally, years.

i read a quote by this dude named buda about letting go graciously and i’m about to apply it to my entire life. i haven’t contacted tom since april when he told me he was seeing someone and honestly, i was starting to creep myself out a bit so it needed to stop. it was a running thing for me to shoot tom random texts every few months for THE LAST TWO YEARS.

he never really responded and so you can see why it was weird for me to hear from him.

either way, THIS MEANS I WON.

i doubt we’ll connect or even talk more than those  texts, but i’m still stuck in his head somewhere. he mentioned running from things and working too much and his life is bland.

but mine isn’t. mine is good and full and exciting and new every day.

it’s not to say i don’t think of him because i do. a lot. i think that was a huge growth period for me and i think it’s normal for me to think about him often in the context of how i feel and how i felt. i would be up for grabbing a drink with him but i’m not going to offer and i don’t expect him to.

life is funny sometimes.