08/25/2013

"i’ve got my eyes on you, you’re everything that i see. i want your heart, love and emotion endlessly."

i’m spending a lot of time rummaging through my past lately. i don’t know what i’m looking for there, but it’s bringing me some weird peace. i think i’m forgiving myself.

every day i feel like i’m growing. i haven’t had tremendously good or bad days lately. things have been even keel and it’s less scary than every day being super happy or really down and i’m entering into what could be an extremely stressful period of time with a positive outlook and a lot of unusual serenity.

i am bravely tackling tom issues. you’re probably like, "dude, wtf? get over it already!" and trust me, i feel the same way. outside of the occasional facebook stalking (which is creepy because i need to stop doing that) and a small crying session in my car the other day when i thought about the amount of pain i put myself through jumping from heath to tom, i feel confident in knowing that i am good enough. i feel confident that every day someone somewhere doubts herself. i don’t feel ashamed for being at a low point when i pursued him. this is loving myself. yeah, it’s been three years and maybe this should’ve happened sooner, but these things take time.

the feelings aren’t there, if that makes any sense. i feel like i’m objectively assessing myself and why i reacted the way i did for that period of time in my life.

i am trying to figure out why sometimes i crave attention, even with the amount of attention alan gives me. i’m trying to figure out why i want to go out and meet people when i have someone i love dearly. i think the immediate response is, "well, maybe you don’t love him as much as you think you do."

but i do. i love alan so much and i know it’s my own issue. i know it stems from a lot of weird things, one of them being my dad, another of those things is a lack of confidence; i’m working really hard to drop all of these issues soon.

i’m obsessed with myself lately. i’m admitting to some pretty un-endearing shit right now.

but really, i am obsessed with myself lately. i stare at my triceps and biceps and occasionally (okay, always) flex my new muscles in anything reflective. car window? sure! mirror in the middle of a store? great!

i still want to be in colorado. i am eating too much sugar. i am drinking too much caffeine and i’m smoking a lot of weed. i drank six bottles of wine with a group of friends on tuesday afternoon and passed out at five pm and i slept until the next morning. i am saving a lot of money. despite how this entry sounds, i am trying not to over analyze things.

happy end of the week.