08/20/2011

i don’t know why, but i give up on eric.

it may be too early, it may not be him, it may be me.

he’s been standoffish the last few days and i’m not going to play like that. i say standoffish but maybe that’s wrong. i’ve seen him both days but he seems off, not really all there. i don’t know if it’s this other girl. i don’t know what it is. i do know that he treated me differently around his friends last night and was sort of that way tonight even though he said he wanted to meet up after i had drinks with my friends. i’ve not said anything about it and i don’t plan to because it’s too early, but these are shooting off warning signs.

i am so afraid of it all. so afraid of letting someone in. so afraid of getting hurt.

watch me run before it can even catch up to me. watch me get away from it so fast that it’s like it was never there.

i can’t stop thinking about tom. stupid fucking tom. and heath. i add up the times my heart has been broken and build huge walls with the way it hurt.

i try to explain it all to megan tonight and i can’t even do that. i can’t explain the way i feel broken when i think about my family, about how it’s been over a year since i’ve had some sort of functional relationship that wasn’t even really very functional, about how i want to curl into someone and be.

is this how people end up alone forever? the thought of opening up outweighs the idea of loneliness?

my head is going every direction right now. when i add up the circumstances it goes like this:
– sorting through stuff at my dad’s. this always throws me off in a huge way. i was going throuh old pictures, too. not good.
– thinking about colorado.

i need some sleep.

stomach_muscles

August 20, 2011

I still believe

Random noter: If you don’t learn to open yourself up you’ll end up alone in the long run. Sure it means opening up to possibly getting hurt but if you don’t you’ll be alone and i know no one wants that. Good luck to you.

Bex-Star

I <3 you! You’re always the first entry I read 🙂

all the small things

I hope you write letters to the person you end up with. i think he will understand you so much more through your writing. I think you need more than most of these boys can provide. there are a lot of hurts and a lot of pain. If you are like me at all, it is easier to run because when you get close to someone you realize the magnitude of the things you will have to work through with them. because

just being in a relationship or in something like one touches the wound and puts pressure on it. It brings back all the things that you can keep at bay if you don’t think about them or aren’t reminded of them. I wish I could bring you a coffee and come sit with you. I would bring over a CD with the Beck song “The Golden Age” — it would fit for right now.