08/15/2011

i’ve worked myself into something of a fit.

in all fairness, it started yesterday. i had coffee with brad and there was a lot i wanted to talk to him about. our family, blakely, him. it turned into an intense conversation about our family and he basically hasn’t accepted anything and i don’t think he wants to. he’s so angry with my parents and he feels like they don’t know him at all. he feels like they don’t care and they’ve let him down. he thinks they’ve "stopped being parents", but at some point your parents’ roles change and they aren’t really your parents anymore. i tried to explain to him that they’re humans — they make mistakes. they both made mistakes, but things can’t always stay the way you want them to. brad sees things so narrowly, he always has. he refuses to let chris or suzy in. he kept saying, "i can’t believe what mom and dad have done to me. to our family." i can’t really explain it well enough, but i hate to see my brother upset. especially about our family because it pulls me back into all the tangles and complexities that i’ve tried to work through. i miss my family every day. i rummage through my dad’s house, drive down old roads in my neighborhood, close my eyes when i hear "three days" and remember dancing and cooking in the kitchen, my dad’s hands on my mom as he snuck a kiss, laughing and two stepping with my brother, sitting at the table. we were best together and i miss it more than anything. i miss the ease of it all. i miss knowing that, no matter what, i had my family to fall back on, and while they’re still there for me, it’s not the same. it never will be and it’s still hard to grasp but i try. the words "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" don’t roll easily off my tongue all the time, but with practice and acceptance and an open heart it’s easier.

both brad and i inherited our "black and white" trait from my dad. when we believe something is right we don’t waiver. i try to bend more often because i know my stubbornness is one of my biggest faults and it’s causing a huge rift between my dad and i right now. i absolutely hate it. i miss my dad but i refuse to let him control my life. i’m willing to stand my ground and let our relationship suffer because it’s that important to me. it made for an awkward dinner this evening. i fucking hate it.

with all of this tumbling around in my head, the eric thing obviously surfaces for no reason. we’ve had one date that we both said was the best first date ever and he said it first. i’m still freaking out but i don’t think it’s because of eric, i think it’s because i need an outlet for stress and the easiest thing for me to do is think "he doesn’t like me."

a number popped into my head when i was driving home for dinner. i ran it through my mind twice trying to figure out who it belonged to and it hit me…tom. it doesn’t matter how i try to occupy the space. i can fill it with boys, with running, with alcohol, with social events and great friends. i still think about him every day.

it’s odd to me that i have such specific spaces for each boy. watching conor play on friday made me smile. meeting his eyes makes me smile. seeing him makes me smile. i’m struggling tonight and all i want is to be with him. to talk to him. to listen to him play. i just want to be near him. he’s at rehearsal but i text him, "this is going to sound really strange so i’m going throw it out there. even though i don’t know you very well, i think you’re comforting and i sort of want to fall into you" because i do.

maybe that’s why i’m running so quickly from him.

i am so afraid of attachment. i’m happy. i’m loving life. but there’s this tumultuous thing going on under the surface that threatens to break through when someone comes into my life that i could possibly date. my initial instinct is to either cling or run and neither of those is healthy. there’s so much to throw on someone. i’ve been carrying all of this weight for so long, and no, i don’t want to dump it all but that’s part of a solid relationship. that’s part of vulnerability. i have to tell my partner about my family, about heath, about sadness because those are all parts of who i am. the family thing is the biggest and for a while i thought it was heath that made it so difficult for me to open up but i think it’s more my family situation. everything at my core was rocked.

i can’t plan any of this out. i have to go with it and express myself and see where it goes.