08/07/2011

i told cameron about missouri through a text. yes, this sounds heartless but we’ve always communicated almost entirely through text and he always sounds bothered when i call. he doesn’t respond with much of anything, but texted me a "is there any particular reason why?"

this is something that deserves a phone call, so i call and he doesn’t answer. he calls me back and i strip out the conor part of the equation.

there’s stuff i sometimes don’t write. sure, it’s my journal and stuff, but there are things i choose to forget and like you’ve all said, if you don’t write it it never happened.

i weigh cameron in my mind. the way he came into my life, how much fun we had, but it was so temporary. i saw him four weekends. we never talk on the phone. our texting conversations are limited. i know he’s not intellectually there. above all, he hurt me when he left. he completely fell off the face of the earth when he moved. he told me his ex girlfriend came back into the picture and i expected that but those kinds of things are hard to let go of. i don’t like to be second place. i don’t like that he lied to me about the timing of it all and i thought that they had been broken up muuuuch longer than they had. i feel like a rebound.

on top of that, things are so shaky with my dad right now. i don’t think i realized how shaky it all is until i had lunch with my uncle today. my dad is trying to tie up all aspects of my life. trying to work his way in where he shouldn’t. he doesn’t want me to go to missouri and i’m not one for letting him control my life, but i don’t want the added stress.

i was having doubts before conor. i feel bad about cameron. i know he’s been planning and he’s excited. i was, too. i don’t know if it’s right for me to be upset with him about his ex. i honestly had no intention of meeting someone or letting someone into my life the way conor has creeped in. i was actually avoiding it.

simply put, i’m tired of being an after thought for so many of the guys i’ve had in my life. jonathan, trey, heath, cameron. i don’t want to be ignored or treated badly and when everyone else is out of the picture or i’ve let go, they suddenly want back in. i’m all for second chances as long as i’m not sacrificing myself.

i could’ve gone for ten days, but then what? cameron says, "i’d get my cdcs and come visit you." but that’s what i wanted in march when he was leaving. i wanted to visit him and vice versa and it took four months to discuss it. no, i’m not looking to get married or settle down, but i know myself and i know that if cameron and i were to pursue this i’d block out opportunities.

but, again, as a reminder to myself, i deserve to be more than someone’s second thought. i deserve someone who wants and has even waited for me. someone’s top priority.

on that note, i’m going to start packing because i’m moving in less than 48 hours.