08/04/2012

my scooter is broken and i’ve started wearing tom ford black orchid, which smells somewhere between lust and really great sex. it makes me feel sexy, even when i’m riding my bike to work in temperatures over a hundred degrees.

after a few weeks of gloominess, there are suddenly reminders everywhere that life is beautiful and i am so fortunate. i’d feel guilty for the sulking and grumpiness if i didn’t know that it’s all part of a grieving process.

as i walked to the store tonight, two elderly women waved and smiled at me. the kid at the grocery store pulled seventeen cents from his pocket to give me a dollar back. i picked out a delicious peach and nectarine. the starts started popping out and the temperature dropped ten degrees, and i smiled and recounted my afternoon.

i’ve asked myself a lot of questions lately. did i give eric enough time? when will i be more patient? have i made a huge mistake? it’s taken a few weeks, but i forgive myself. i did what i could and tolerated as much as i could without compromising myself and eric’s well being. i made the right choice. it’s not to say that i don’t wish things were different, but this is life and things are the way they are and it’s not always about molding things to my liking as much as it is rolling with whatever comes my way.

i feel like me. i made my rent, i’ve paid my bills, and i finally feel like i have a sense of purpose and structure.

i’m ready for fall. cooler weather, shorter days, jeans and scarves if it’s cold enough.

i don’t know what i’m doing with myself and in a couple of days this is going to pull at me and stress me out, but in this moment, i feel like i’ve got myself sorted out which is more than i can say of the last few months.

tonight i’m making green beans and roasted pesto potatoes, stew and gluten free corn bread for the rest of the week. i have brunch in the morning, a soccer game to go to tomorrow night, and i’m exactly where i need to be.