07/28/2011

i feel most myself between boys. the person i was when i was with joe seems light years away from the person i am now. the place i was in while i was dating heath is more tangible, but it still doesn’t seem like me. is it like this for everyone?

this is one reason i don’t know if i ever want to settle down. the people you spend time with bring out parts of you that you’ve never known. they force you to grow, to change, to learn. it’s not always easy or pretty but i can’t imagine meeting one person who continually challenges me and forces me to look at myself and my world differently on a continual basis. maybe someone could do that for ten years or so, but after that, don’t you fade into each other and settle in your ways?

i argue with myself at my desk today about insecurity. i checked cameron’s ex’s facebook picture and she has a rockin bod. i’m prettier but she has abs and killer legs. i know cameron isn’t shallow but the thoughts are creeping in and it’s not fair for me to be jealous and i shouldn’t be anyway. though i think the trip will be fantastic, what happens after? nothing. so i tell myself that this is okay, but we all know how great i am with casual things. part of my problem is it took me almost a year to fully get away from heath and i assume that everyone follows this same pattern. you retreat to someone when you’re lonely or hurt or trying to find a part of yourself that that specific person brings out in you. you stick around longer than you should and you keep your heart open a tiny bit because, in the back of your mind, there’s always hope.

i ran five miles today, the longest i’ve gone since the knee problems. it felt awesome. i feel awesome, if a bit insecure.

knowing i’m moving and going back to school is surfacing so many feelings. i’m nervous and so ready to learn. i’m excited for new people, a new job, a new place. new new new. this is the scariest thing about me. i’m bored too easily. new is shiny and…well…new and there’s nothing better than new, except comfortable and comfortable gets lazy and boring too quickly. the new part of comfortable is the best part. when you know someone’s body well, when you tell that person the details of your day, when it’s thursday evening and you know that person is doing this specific activity. soon it’s all routine.

lots of rambling.

i’m headed to austin with tommy tonight. tommy is john’s little brother and it should be interesting to say the least.