07/28/2011

i have seventeen days until my plane touches down in kansas city and the conversations with cameron are studded with "i can’t wait" and "how many days?" and "waking up next to you is the best" and i’m so excited it’s basically all i think about.

my brother throws out a, "did you know dad bought a gun?" when i ask him about his weekend with his buddies and my dad and i’m initially shocked because my dad has always been adament about not having guns, and brad continues to tell me that my dad’s girlfriend’s ex has been coming around so my dad bought a gun. i don’t necessarily agree with it, but on the flip side i’m absolutely furious. when the heath situation happened, my dad brushed it off and didn’t want me to file charges. he’s never asked about it or mentioned it. i’ve been thinking about it lately and i realized my dad doesn’t believe me. naturally, i called my dad yesterday to ask about the gun. i proceeded to ask about why he steered me away from a restraining order and he replied, "well, all i have is what you told me and i’m not sure how serious it actually was."

yeah.

there’s not a lot more i can say about it because i question myself and my dad and how he came to a conclusion like that.

i’m sick. i’m not pleased about this, either. my knee has finally been feeling better and i can run and i’m almost back up to my pace. my chest is tight, i have headaches, and my stomach is queasy. good times.

there are boys — one i’m going to pick up a six foot bong with tomorrow (hahaha, seriously, who am i?), one who wants to cook me dinner on friday after we go on a run, and a drug dealer who is apologizing for coming on too strong. there was the guy who stopped me in the gym parking lot to tell me i was hot and i stupidly gave him my number but have since told him i’m seeing someone. as far as i’m concerned, i’ve stashed all of these boys into the friend folder until late august. i have a good feeling about cameron.

i also have a fantastic feeling about the cold war kids show in september in san marcos, right by where i’ll be living. i almost peed myself.

still no word from tom, though i shouldn’t be surprised, and all the boys with the glasses at open mic night last night didn’t help. it was lame tom twin night or something. i measure time in how long it’s been since i’ve seen tom and we’re at over three weeks now and i think about it less every day.

i’ve been listening to "if i were a boy" on repeat because, shit, i feel this song. i worry about us, just so you all know. i seem to be in a similar place as most of my faves and i spend a lot of time trying to figure out where we’re all headed and why we feel the way we do and why we can’t all feel as beautiful and perfect as we know we should.

this time next week i’ll be taping up boxes and i’ll be four days from moving and ten days from cameron.

i should be on a strict routine of 1500 calories, tanning, gym, and primping…as soon as i’m feeling better.

friday can’t come fast enough.